April showers...

April showers bring May flowers...or so the quip goes. I will be away from my computer for a month or so and will not be posting anything during that time. I will miss the chance to post and keep in touch with ya all, but this moment away from all the recent happenings will be very good for me, it can only be good for me. There are certain things I have to address and take care of and so I am off to sort them out.

For all those that have been reading my blog, thank you. I know you have paused at one time and read my rantings and ravings here, and you might not like or agree with what I have reflected here, thank you nonetheless for sticking with me. It means alot to know ya all are out there.

I hope to really take pictures of my trip this time and post them as soon as I get back. I am hoping to find clarity and set boundaries in my self-discovery. I am working on being strong and my faith keeps me going.

I will try to post one last time before I leave, but can't make any promises.

Here is to April showers bringing us May flowers...I always like spring time, don't you?

Rose Walker said....

And I quote her here (paraphrased on some lines) ..... "Have you even been in love? Horrible, isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens your heart and it means someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses. You build up this whole armor, for years, so nothing can hurt you, then one person, no different from any other person, wanders into your stupid life...You give them a piece of you. They don't ask for it. They do something one day like kiss you, or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so a simple phrase like "maybe we should just be friends" or "how very perceptive" turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a body-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. I hate love. " (in Sandman: The Kindly Ones by Neil Gaiman )

I do not really hate love...it just seems like as much as it can bring you that intense feeling of out of this world joy, it too can cause you real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. Wow, what a mouthful.
Though Rose Walker is olny a fictional character created by Neil Gaiman..her words ring true.....and the pain...oh, my god..the pain..

(sigh)

March 23rd....

Hi ya everyone. It has taken another month (well, almost) before I re-posted, things have been out of sorts lately, still to be honest.

Getting over a broken heart is tough, it sucks! Healing a broken heart is even tougher, it's the pits really. My R is also in pain and surprisingly enough my own pain has now become deep sorrow for all I have left at this time are memories of our happier times in California. Memories of the past that are now long, long gone.

I have to live with the reality that I should just be happy with those moments left in the past. My heart is already broken and it is in shattered pieces, there is no hope in sight in making it whole soon and if my lifetime punishment for sabotaging a great love is to live with such an empty aching heart then maybe I so deserve it. ..I do not know. But I can tell you this, I remember the very moment I heard my heart broke.

The sad state of our hearts at this time is not the problem but a symptom of a greater problem. I would like to think that in terms of love there are no problems only solutions, but what do I know....

For those who had never had their hearts broken, you are fortunate. I always told R, the only reason I still believe in God is the fact that I take comfort in the thought that there must be Someone out there, yonder, more powerful and mighty because I cannot deal with the heart wrenching pain I am going through like now and when times when he was away from me, there must be a God to help me ease my throbbing heart.

I pray every night that when I close my eyes, I can still feel the wonderful love that once engulfed me and that I will not ever forget. I will not want to change anything. I thank my lucky stars that R came and rescued me and M.

Each day gets tougher and good days come far in between.

Time, healing and what is best for us all...I am hopeful but also realistic.

Life will never be the same again as I have come to know it. This experience has changed me.

My views of love and devotion has changed forever. As wonderful as love is there is always pain that goes with it, and boy, it hurts and cuts deep. I will recover no question, but I will be a totally different me, a better version of me. I am working on growing during this healing period and strength is one thing that is powerful when trials like this come one's way. R was my leap of faith and I never regretted that decision, I will, no matter what tomorrow brings, assure him that I have always been true to him and never wanted another.

R, it is okay..for tomorrow will be another day.