This weekend was extra special. "R's" best friend, "C" came over for dinner, spent the night and then cooked asado for us the morning after. If it was any other person, it would have just been a simple sleep over (though at this age, I doubt it if they call it that anymore) but since it was "C" it meant extra special to "R". I am not going into the details of the friendship but I too have only known "C" by association. All these years I have a special spot in my heart for "C". He embodies a virtue that I would only wish to achieve (a quarter of) in this life time, and that he finds perpetual happiness in every little thing even the darkest moments that life can throw him. Like a cat, no matter how you throw and toss the cat around, they always land on their feet - "C" is like that. He is always generous with this smile and the warmth in this hugs and his soft, kind and tender words; all in spanish of course. Everytime I think of him and how he is one of the few people in my life that when I hug and I say, I missed you or that I love you, I really mean it from the bottom of my heart. There is no lying with "C". He is so true to me as "R's" lady that I can not help but reciprocate the "realness" that is in him. He left in the afternoon after a sumptous lunch, "R" took him back to the city. I never hesitate to tell "C" that I want him to know that I love him. Life is so short and that you never know when that person might ever see you again. He is one special person and in his heart he always has that smile.
One thing I really have been drawing some spiritual strength from lately is my church. I go to church at the city close to our house outside of BsAs. At first I decided to start going to church because I have always done it as a little girl and then during my stint in the US, I would attend it during Thanksgiving, Christmas and birthdays. But when I found this church in the outskirts of the city in the suburbs, I knew I found what I was looking for. It was always in me, the need to connect to a more spiritual level. I went to school run by nuns most of my academic life. I grew up in a Catholic home. The first few times I went to this church ( remember I am still learning spanish) I copied everyone in what they said and what they did. Prayers pretty much are universal and the celebration of Holy Mass has taken on a new meaning for me, lately. Church is my refuge when I am about to loose control of myself during situations that bring me sadness and verge of frustration. I went to church today. Knowing I needed it more than before. I went to bed the night before (Saturday) thinking I will attend Mass the next day. But the morning of, I knew I had to go badly. The day was not starting out right as I had thought it would. So before I could say anything I would regret, I took a deep breath and decided to get ready for church. The best decision I have made today. I needed to feel and dedicate the sacrifice and hear the affirmation that as long as I can I will make the sacrifice for the love that is good.
Sometime now, "R" and I would be in a situation that we are not both happy at the same time. Church has been very good for me and my spirit. I like going alone. I need that connection for myself and so far "R" has been very respectful of this request of mine.
I pour my heart out in prayers. I feel at home when I am in church. My sacrifices and self control has more meaning and are validated. I see the bigger picture now, even if others around me do not. I understand better why I have to be the one to make the sacrifice and not expect others to make them for me. Today the sermon after the Holy Gospel was about Forgiveness ( how appropriate is that !) . It struck a cord in me and in my heart when I was listening to this and I understood every word the priest was saying. Forgiveness is an act of love, he said. Those who do not ask for forgiveness when they have done you wrong - do not really love you. And unless they do ask you for forgiveness, those people only love you conditionally. Love like what we hear about in church is unconditional. And when you truly love someone you have to learn to forgive. People only quest for THEIR happiness and everytime you do something wrong, it displeases them and that makes them unhappy. And unhappiness likes company. But who thinks about you? Love that is shared in the celebration of Mass, has made me understand that my happiness does not depend on another person, it is within me. And I have to be happy to bring happiness to others. I have to know how to forgive so when someone comes and asks for forgiveness I would know what to give and I too shall know how to ask for forgiveness. Whom you forgive is not important. You have to forgive those that have hurt you. That is the only kind of forgiveness there is.
Today, I have for the first time my thought was confirmed that people who are around me do not define me, I define me. There are people out there that cannot stand me to be happy, they find ways to create some unhappiness in my life. I have forgiven then, for not to forgive them is weak. And I am not weak. The attribute of forgiveness is for the strong, Gandhi stated that. The feeling of jubilation when I learn lessons that enlighten my thinking, fulfill my life are precious. I have found a home for my body but I my life will be enriched that I have found a home for my heart and spirit. Moments like this make any burden I have in my heart lighter. Wow, I thought, how perfect could going to church be. It was like my prayers and my seeking for guidance was heard and here I was sitting in the last pew at church and the sermon is addressed to me. Talk about divine powers!
This weekend was very good to me because I went to church.
I could not wish for a better way to end my Sunday.
Ciao.
No comments:
Post a Comment