My resolve is being challenged.
I have deferred posting for awhile because I had a lot of work to do in my relationship with R. There were good times to be had. We have been making headway for the last several days but more work is up ahead. It is an uphill battle.
Just as things were starting to calm down..there is always a factor here and there that presents itself to challenge my resolve.
I have been working and praying very hard for this relationship to work and I have been doing what I thought is humanly possible to get it moving. But somehow, I always come up short of obtaining that goal. R, in his credit is doing what he can to help me. I am grateful for his efforts.
Am I trying to fix a broken mirror? I don't know. They say, one can hurt oneself in hoping to fix a broken mirror. I am beginning to think that I am in that situation. Maybe it is just best to leave it broken rather than hurting myself or R in the process in my earnest effort to look at things the same way again.
I treasure any minute that is a happy moment with R. We had a glorious weekend together. It was perfect. But there are just too many "outside" factors that are interferring in this "healing process". There is almost no "quiet" moment for just the two of us. It is "noisy" even in sheer silence.
I now know, I am jealous of what I cannot see. What can I do? Can you blame me? After what I have been through? I have trust issues still, if you care to know. Deep down I realize this is taking me much longer to get over with. Just when I was about to get up and things are looking up, I get beaten down again.
What is one to do when one is down for the count? Maybe love is not enough? Where does one draw the strength from? Who does one seek reassurance from that things will be okay and it will work out for the best in the end?
I am posting this now with questions more than ever.
What I would really like to do is hit that elusive "DELETE" button, so someone please show me where I can press that and make all this go away. I have this gnawing feeling in my heart that I am alone even with R laying down next to me.
My needs are simple. I want only one person and even that I can't have truly for myself. Can you imagine the agony in that?
The shades of gray are really getting darker and my worst fear is coming to light. I will hold on as long as I can for too much is at stake here. And tomorrow, I am sure it will not be as bad as it is today. Tough times are somehow casting their shadow on me and good mornings are starting to get fewer and farther apart. It kills me..I am not sure if I can really do this.
Self-doubt is one thing I detest with every fiber of my being but lately I question myself so often that it eats me up inside, I get physically ill just thinking about it... but I never question my choices..those I have to live with and I try to do what is right without hurting another human being in the process. My resolve is strong.. but for how long.
Forgiveness has its limits. By no stretch of the imagination, am I a saint. I had a heart that got broken. I see with it more than my eyes do. It is a curse, I tell you. But what can I do? It can be thought of as a blessing or a gift but when you see with your heart you set yourself up for heartaches.
Today was not a good day.
Tomorrow is another day and it will be better, I know it.
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