Argentina
To Whom it may conceRn,
(You know who you are and this letter is for you.)
I am writing to you in the comfort of my little corner of the world. It has become a nice and warm spot for me to do my everyday internet connections. The table is lovely and touching gift from you. But those are not the reasons why I am writing this post.
Thank you. I have not said it enough and not lately. You have been super generous, kind and a source of strength to me all these years and especially during my early trying days. You are the only man in my life I never wanted or desired another. The only other man in my life is a very impressionable young man that adores you. I would not want him to ever experience another great loss that he is about to go though yet again (and this time maybe even more) should the situation you and I are in get any worst. He trusts and loves you and I would never want anything to change that.
I am getting ahead of myself here....
This heartbreaking and painful experience that I am (WE are going through) living in right now is a very humbling experience; I am humbled by the enormity of your bottomless capacity to love and tolerance of my imperfection. My ability to love pales in comparison to how much you have loved me. And I use the past tense here because if I had truly lost your love, I have no blame for you on that. That blame fault falls squarely on my shoulders. This humbles me. And I just pray that if all what we have has to come to an end that I would be strong enough to accept defeat and loss with a graceful bow and dignity still intact. I see now that I have erred miserably. And for whatever consequences that entails, I am to be held accountable and will face it. I might not want to deal with it, but I have no choice. The decision is yours and I respect you enough not to fight you over it. I would want to salvage whatever I can of this relationship but if you do not feel the same way about me as I still do about you, then maybe, it is best to just try to part with no ill feelings.But if there is anything at all to hold on to every a thread of hope that we can still work on this and how many ever chances we need to have to get this right - we have to do it. we owe it to each other to try to save what we can. There is after all a good handful of years of good memories to last us a lifetime to let this end in a sour note. Memories are great that way.
I am not discouraged and still hopeful about where we are headed, the unknown always presents itself in the best form we just have to believe that it will work out for the best. I have let pride get between us and the lack of communication did not help us in any way. I will not make that same mistake here. I still want to get the TWO-gether back. It will not be the same as what we had before, I can only hope for something better and stronger.
My heart continues to ache, it will continue to ache for a long time but I have to be realistic about all this and that if there is a possibility that I might have to say goodbye to all your wonderful friends and family here. It will be a very sad day under the sun when that happens but if it is my reality I have to face it. You know where I will be and even if we no longer connect as we used to let me assure you that since you are the best thing that ever happened to me, it is safe to say, you will occupy a good share of my heart in this lifetime.
I am humbled by all these and with my head bowed, I say - it has been very good loving you, good times and bad included. I will not want to change a single day. Please do not judge me for the bad things I have done to you but for the love I tried to share with you. I am not a bad person, I just made some really bad judgement calls (character flaw on my part) and I have a price to pay for that. I live and learn. I will be strong in the end and as always, I have you to thank for making me see what I am not and am able to do and be.
To say that I will be eternally grateful for having you share your live and love with me, does not begin to cover it. So I will not even try.
So with this I end this letter by saying, you are a very good man and sometimes bad things (like me) happen to very good people.
One day you should right a book about how not to fall for someone like me, I would be the first one to buy such a book. I will learn a lot from it, I am sure.
It hurts and I will continue to hurt because I care so much. I feel empty because you have left that space you used to occupy in my life, I cry because if I don't I think my heart (already broken) will explode. And I think there really is a God because I do not think I can bear keeping this pain all to myself.
I only want you to be happy and that is the honest truth. And if that spells me out of your life to regain your peace of mind and get that happiness that so elusive then I can pack in 15 minutes flat!
I will be with you in spirit always. Your health and happiness are always in my prayers nothing can ever change that.
Oh...and about Claudio, what will I ever say to him? I will ask for his forgiveness more than his understanding, that would be the toughest thing I will ever have do. I am sure you will be there to help me out when that time comes.
And it might be 30days late - but I would like to say I am sorry and I understand you are hurting as well. There are no words to ease your pain. Time will make the ache manageable and we will both have scars from this. We just have to accept them as part of the wonderful life we had together.
I wish nothing but only the best for you.
Sincerely and with all my love,
me
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