I have a confession to make. Something that I have been carrying for awhile now, a few years in fact.
The story is about how I think I got to this very spot I am standing in now, with the broken pieces of my heart which are very difficult to put together. I stare at the pieces every now and again and no matter how I try to put it back together, it doesn't want to seem to hold and there are some missing pieces. I do not see what might resemble a heart but all I see are the cracks where there used to be none.
It is taking me longer and it seems to be more of an arduous task to get my spirits back as close to what it used to be. Oh please do not get me wrong, I am not in the hunt for anyone at this time.
I would like to find a man (not necessarily to marry) though who will put me first in his list. I am sure it is a high order of the day but just once I would like to feel that elation and euphoria of being the sun in a man's life. I would like to see the love in his eyes and his smile will reflect the shine from his heart. It has been a long while since I have seen one of those. And for every woman who has experienced it the longing for another is like a search for that first high - it happened once and will never happen again - or will it? My quest continues.
So, here I stand in a country not my own where I was willing to move and try to make this work. It was just an uphill climb from the very beginning, to be honest. I am in a place that is nothing like where I came from. Friends from the USA told me it would not last, and that I needed a circle of my own girlfriends to keep me happy. It was just not meant to be, I suppose. I was determined to give it my best though but I came up short of that.
I never had a close friend here and I felt isolated. Joy was starting to fade away from me and I acted out on it. I was not happy and it was impossible to give something to someone which you do not have. The changes were happening little bit at a time and before we knew it, we were getting on each other's nerves. And somehow, that was just a symptom of something else deeper.
What was a great formula in San Diego did not work here obviously. It was very clear. And even if I saw the end coming then I was fighting it all the way. And somehow, I lost that battle.
Here I stand having failed what I thought was the love of my life. I was not going to give up on it until I really had to. And, I had to. The love story that once was so full of promise, so full of love and never ending source of joy has come to a full stop. It ends here and we all get off the love bus. But life must go on...nothing stops because I am in pain, I have learned that bitter lesson of truth. So..here I stand still holding those pieces and trying with all my might and determination to get through this even when I am alone.
I cry when I could not stop the tears. I laugh when a very good memory comes to me. I try to not think too much about all this because in a few weeks I will no longer be standing in this very spot. And there is comfort in that for the pain will get better when I am not surrounded with all the memories of where I once thought that I have found the man that I would grow old with, the man that will hold my hand as an old lady crossing the street, the one whom I will take care of when he grows older - but truth be told, I was wrong. And the sooner we can all turn the page - I think we are all ready to turn to the next page - the sooner we try to live our own lives separately.
I was mistaken and I have to learn from that. The worst part about falling in love is that there is always that possibility that you could lose it, and I did. I dust myself off I guess, take a deep breath, sigh and then put on the best smile - for life goes on...just give me a little more time, I will get better at this.
It will sink in and this too shall pass.
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