July 9th 2009

It was a blistering cold day in Buenos Aires, it got as cold as 2 degrees below zero very early in the morning. Brrr...is right!

July 9th is a holiday here and so the streets were calmer than usual and everything were closed - well almost. I went to the place where I was packing but after a bite to eat, it got too cold (no functioning heater) and so I bundled up and left.

And for a short moment after I got back into the city I ran to the store to get something to bite for dinner. Not too hungry anyway - but had to stock up just in case I get hungry in the middle of the night - you never know!

I was thinking about many things lately and so far, I have been good - after yesterday. I thought I need to pull myself together and get a clear picture of what I want to do after the end of this month, immediately after I leave here that is. I can confidently say I have been feeling numb lately. I have no pressure to make this decisions ASAP. For the first time in months I feel - nothing. I am without burden. I have relaxed some (oh well, with the neighbor upstairs I try to do my best!) and thinking comes easily, but at times, I cry because I feel such a defeat. But I now know I have to wave that proverbial white towel. I have surrendered. This is it!

There is a good amount of sadness that overcome me at times but I know it is because I can not only feel the end of something that was very good but I can clearly see it from where I am, and anything that was good that has to come to an end always bring a level of sadness.

I do not know really if I should apologize for my shortcomings, for they make me - the ME, that I am. I have my needs and they will not change anytime soon, I don't think. Those needs will be major crossroads for me. Major decisions will be made when I cross and choose the path to take at that junction.

It is not likely that my heart will get fonder in absence, with my track record, it will only get colder. And I am not sure if I should apologize for that at this time, as well.

If this is the end of IT, then I am so disappointed. I had hoped for a much better ending. I know this is not THE very end yet. I can still write a new ending at least where it concerns me. I just have to make this major adjustment of making life decisions on my own. I am practicing and so far I can humbly say that it has been good. I do not know if I should apologize for how easy it has been for me in doing this, maybe I should be having much more difficulty with it.

After I leave Argentina this time, I will not be leaving like I did any time in the past. Nor will I be coming back like I had in the past. Everything has changed. These last 2 weeks I have changed, and I have changed plenty. I do not know if I should apologize for that.

The reality is, I will leave people that I have learned to like and have become familiar with and they will never know any of these. It is better that way I guess, people have a way of complicating simple life and love things.

I will be gone and I do not know if I will ever be back. I would like to think that one day, I would be but it would take some time and some more growing up on my part. And most importantly, I have to accept that I have grown apart from who I was 10 years ago. What is in my heart will remain in my heart, I cannot change that. But my heart may beat for someone else one day, and I do not know if I should apologize for that in advance as well.

Coincidentally, July 9th is Argentina's Independence Day, and it is poignant that I see my own sense of Independence. Being free woman is a big responsibility that I chose to relish and will understand some more in the months to come. I am not sure where this will take me but as a wild spirit that I am would like to ,before anything else, apologize for eventually I will in the end find time the to enjoy the best gift ever given back to me - my independence, also known as freedom.

I have earned it I guess, in a manner of speaking. But the part that suck is where I have to say goodbye to people that I will never look at the same way again nor they me. For after this week, things will never ever be the same again. And I apologize to them for that in advance.