I feel smurfy today..small and "blue" (sad).
After a wonderful Sunday, I woke up with a heavy heart..something is looming behind the dark clouds..I will not relapse in my progress to recovery..too much is at stake!
THINK POSITIVE!! And so I blog.....
I have not kept count of the days since my shattering heartache, but the pain is in me 'til this day..not really sure why they call it heart ache when your whole body is in pain. Something in me is irrevocably broken and I do not want R to pay for it (it is never about paying or punishment!) I need him to help me fix it. I do not want to find another guy either who will fix it for me. I see how R suffers because he sees me suffer with this.. where do we go from here?
If there is one thing that is unquestionable between us, it is that we truly love each other..
We think and feel about ourselves but love is at its best when we think about the other person and her feelings. Wonder why we close our eyes when we pray, kiss, cry and dream? It is because the best and beautiful things in life are not seen.. but felt.
I know, no one will be perfect and who wants to be, that is a tall order of the day, all I can hope for is to a better person each waking day. Good changes in relationships mean growth..Fear, uncertainty and discomfort goes hand in hand with said growth. I just wish I had a voice in the changes that happened to my relationship. I felt so jipped on that aspect - to say the least..my pain is rooted there.. Now, I know good things do fall apart so better things can fall together..
What I am about to decide on has no fear in my heart. I am not one to subscribe to "if only" (regret) but I am all for "next time" (hope). One day when my life flashes before my eyes, I want it to be worth watching! I can say with full conviction, "I loved R with all my heart, never took another man's hand nor kissed another man's lips, nor did I gaze at the moon with someone else nor wrapped my arms around another... while we were apart. There was so much respect for the man to even consider doing that, for I, always held his heart in my heart"..
Every action I made, every decision he made - there are consequences to these things and he has to live with his past actions and choices as I have to live with mine..
What will see me through these tough times will be... my sincerity, understanding, humility and conscience.
Of the 6 billion people in the world, I fell in love with him. Like the stars in the sky all endless counts of them, it took one to bring out the sparkle and twinkle in my eyes..and make my dream come true. I believed in all these at one time. I would like to believe in them again, one day. Nothing in this world worth having ever comes easy. Life is never simple! Struggle, efforts, patience and sacrifice are just a few of the basic ingredients to this thing called Life...and two-gether, I hope our strong love will find a way to win.
I will keep the scar, thank you. It will remind me of these times and how I cannot make you love me a day longer than you want to; for the scar will bear witness to your sole power to decide if our love is worth it. My heart and spirit is healing slowly... but healing..Hope springs eternal, you know.
Moving on is a word people use when they don't know what else to say..(just a thought!!)
It hurts because I care too much. The relationship has to go through some growing pains and thorny alleys. There are some pretty important life lessons learned here. It means..he and I must keep our eyes and our hearts open on the "weeds" that will come up the proverbial "garden of geraniums" of ours, it will not be without pests but we both have to tend to it closely, know what really matters, respect nature... and it will grow beautifully.
A part of the prayer, I say each night goes like this..
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know
the difference.....(by R. Niebuhr)
My issue here is trust and the loss thereof.
Trusting you again, is my decision. No relationship will survive in longevity without trust. Proving me wrong in trusting you again... now, that is entirely your choice.
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