A year after the most horrible year of my life, I continue to put one foot infront of the other, stride, smile, breathe.... one day at a time.
I have found out this last year that one goes through life trying to give meaning to living. This makes each one of us unique in the process. Somethings may mean more to one person and yet it would mean less or nothing to another. One person may value a virtue much more than another person would. And yet others, have no context to that said virtue at all.
We want to think that everyone that is human would act with compassion and consideration to another, but in reality, we know some people are selfish and they think only of themselves without consideration to moral consequences of their action and how it could hurt another, especially ones they love.
There is indeed truth to the saying, "We hurt the most the ones we love".
Ironic thing about life is that it is not a science, no equations, no formulas to follow and nothing is ever constant. Life, not being a science is to me then an art. Different to each and every single one and we try to give the best personal touch as much as we can and make it as meaningful and joyful as we could as we hope to "touch" another person in our simple ways of doing things and just by being ourselves.
And one's life is a process of accumulation of a special "dictionary"; a gathering of significant and meaningful words to live by, words that are particular and specific to one person's life and love.
We learn words so we can act on them to build good character, to ourselves and others. And until we learn what that particular word really means, we keep making the same mistake and thus in the process continue to hurt others. Our lives are interwoven. What we do, not do, what we say, not say, how we react or not react affect others, believe it or not.
So, here I am, a year after, though better managing the pain, the pain remains. It is not easy to undo something the likes of a broken-heart. The void is there, the pain aches on worst days and as much as I try to fill the void, the mere fact is, THERE IS, a void. It takes a long time to build trust, it only takes a second or two to put a big question mark to it. Rebuilding trust is a gargantuan task. Possible or impossible, only in time will tell.
Absolute trust will take a long time to comeback, I reckon. Now, I question the motive of every single person I meet. I have been very good this last year about being skeptical when people I meet say something or worse when they do something for me. This last year has brought me to a place I wished I never would've come to know...being jaded in life is never a good thing. I am having a difficult time giving it to anyone now. On bad days, I think there is no way I can get out of this rut. I am stuck and as hard as I try there is no reassuring me that there are indeed happier times to be had. I try nevertheless.
I get by.
I believe I have another year to try to get over this or else there might be the remote possibility that there is no getting over it. Misery is not a good word nor is it a good thing.
Past experiences shape the person I am today. Good experiences better and improve me and bad experiences change me.
Trying to not think about the past 350 some odd days is not an easy feat. Thinking is one thing, dealing with feelings is quite another. I could get through weeks without feeling the pain but when it comes, it comes in a crash. And I am weak, I collapse and pulverize inside.
I go through each day trying to make it full of positivity as I can and I do succeed most days. I relish those days. I strive for those days. I have had more good days but I have to acknowledge that there are bad days and worse days as well. Reality check can do that for you. Keeping things in perspective has helped me hold on what I know is precious and worth treasuring.
My present state is a testament to my resolve, though challenged to the hilt, I remain strong and positive. Let's give it another year and with R's help, maybe there will come a time when I will be reassured once again that some good times are still up ahead.
To those who have been through the same thing, I want to say, it is not about anybody else. It never was and will never be. It is about you. This is about me, for me! Healing is for thyself. Forgiveness is easy. People talk about it all the time. One person cannot change the balance of things in a relationship and continue to believe that things will eventually be back to normal. Whatever that word normal means. The process is hell and a bitch! To say that it is never easy, is putting it mildly. There is no set timetable when things will get better. Go at your own pace. Remember to pace yourself. I would like to give you hope that in the end, victory is attainable. To think of the alternative is depressing. If anything, we improve in the process and become the best version of ourself. And that is always a very good thing.
This may not be easy to comprehend at this time, but it helps me on most days to think that what gloomy times I go through, just makes me appreciate the little sunshine I get after the rainy days.
Smile, take a deep breathe...tomorrow, things will be better. Believe in that and wait for tomorrow to come. And if needed, do the same thing all over again, for tomorrow is another day.
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