This, the blog, has been a catharsis for me. I see my thought and random musings in black and white. It gives me a moment to think and in some instances (hit my forehead with my open palm) they are "duh" moments really.
I am going back to Argentina in a few days to finally face my moment of reckoning. The moment of truth, so to speak. I am not sure what I have to face and what will happen..but I am hopeful that after all these years of being together, there will be a mutual desire to continue the friendship even if there is that possibility that the future will be forged in two separate paths. We have to be all ready for the uncertainty in life. Boy, have I learned that, fast!
There will be the compulsory awkward silences, that is to be expected. But if we are to be adults about this, I am sure we have the other's best interest at heart and whatever you do out of love and for love, you do not tend to regret it later. It is what you do not get to do that leaves you wondering what might have been later - and usually those are terrible to face on one's deathbed.
Whatever lies ahead I am willing to be held accountable for my inability to deliver my share of the deal in this relationship. There are two people in every real relationship and I can only speak of my responsibility in the present state of affairs of my love and heart. I am responsible for the life I am living now, I have no one to blame but myself. I no longer wish to be in agony, in sorrow, sadness or pain. The time it took me to grow up was just a heartbeat , I am still recovering from the impact of that heartbeat. Every moment that took my breath away I took for granted and now that the breath that fed those moments are running out, and I stand here looking back and wondering if the silence will ever stop. I hear my tears falling at times, not as often as they used to, I can hear my heart pounding on my chest as I lay down to sleep at night, the silence is loud.
And to those who never had their hearts broken, you are so lucky, I think, but again, I would not give up or exchange all that I had learned about myself these last few months for never having experienced a broken heart. I will never be the same again. There is hole in my heart now and no matter how much I try to ignore, cover it up or grow something in there, it will always have that emptiness that was onced occupied. Never being the same again, only means one thing. I have changed and I am a long way from knowing what the new me will bring in my life. I am hoping no matter where this takes me, I will never loose the lesson of what happened to me here. I do not wish to repeat this ever again in this lifetime, I do not think my poor heart can take it one more time, so in retrospect, I will take that awkward silence any day.
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