Tidbits about me...

• my favorite blush is by Rimmel "Pink Rose"
• The best Led Zeppelin song (and I know the lyrics to) is Black Dog
• I love Robert Downey Jr. because he is not only an accomplished and versatile actor but the guy can belt out a tune or two.
• If Bonnie Raitt is country, then I love country music.
• Vodka, tequila and scotch in that order (vodka comes first because I love my mar and apple -tinis)
• very red nail polish, everytime
• hand lotion fanatic
• I wear reading glasses
• I am facinated with hair appliances
• I love to shop, to buy and wear high-heeled shoes
• I love that smell little babies have - fresh and clean.
• I prefer Lorelie to be with Luke than Christopher!
• I used to like CSI when Grissam was still there.
• Bring Eli back!!
• I feel the sexiest when I am wearing black undergarments.
• I love to have a nice glass of fresh cold milk in the morning.

Thanks!

I have learned...

• Money does not buy class
• Lust should never be mistaken for love.
• Once a cheater always a cheater.
• I have never met anyone who can define "good taste" to my satisfaction.
• Respect and trust, are two other words that are now subjectively defined by people I know and they are not subjective qualities at all.
• That it is okay to have a change of heart and not tell anyone about it.
• That I have to not judge myself so harshly.
• That I am a wild spirit.
• That I will live my life being happy and not worry about wanting to be happy.
• I am the change that can make ME, myself.
• That even good things really do come to an end.
• That I can like something or someone and accept that they do not have to like me back. It is okay, I won't worry about it.
• That there is nothing purer and more sincere than a small child's big smile and big laugh.

When old is new again

The best thing about packing is that you have to dig and dig for things that might be buried and hidden behind closets, suitcases, boxes, bags and all other crevices in one's place of residence. And the treasure's we find and stories we try to remember when we find things are so exciting. I hate packing for a move but I love this part of it all.

I am still in the hunt and find mode for things that I would need to take with me on this move of mine. I found some precious gifts that were given to me - by R. I love the turquoise bags and felt envelopes that they come in. I can remember (still) the time/at least the year and the occassion that I received these precious and dear presents. I smile when I look at them for... what is old is new again.

I love each and every single one of these. I am wearing one today and it looks a good as when we got it seven years ago. I enjoy wearing them, they give me some connection to better and sweeter times. Memories can only be as good as you want them to be. ..old memories are new again.

I found this very delicate necklace and as much as I would like wearing them I do not think I am ready yet to go there. One day soon I hope I could put that around my neck and think of the profound love I once felt when I received it. I can hold it but so far do not have the courage to wear it just yet, too soon I guess.

But when old is new again...times are changing.

You just gotta love the bad with the good and the old with the new. Life is too short to get stuck with the old as old or always wanting new. I like where I am in my life right now.

Thank you R for being a very, very good friend. I will always hold these presents dear.

"At the end of the day....."

Wow, I blinked for one itsy-bitsy second and before I know it the weekend is here. Phew, time really flies fast.

I am starting a new series (besides from "I have learned...") that I am going to call "At the end of the day..." to go over things that are important and those that are not. I hope you will enjoy reading them and taking a "Hmm..that makes sense" moment - and I have fun creating this .

At the end of the day...

• it is what you did not get to do that you end up regretting, never giving your day's accomplishments the due it deserves.
• we cannot control how we feel at times, but we have 100% control about what we do and say about it.
• there is no getting up on the wrong side of the bed. We make our day even before we get out of bed and out the sheets.
• it is love and not time that will heal all wounds.
• sometimes walking away is the best thing you can do.
• I like counting the number of people I made to smile that day.
• complimenting someone is the best thing you can give anyone for free.
• I like remembering the lyrics to an old song.
• there is always a lesson to be learned.

I like the fact that lately I have been forgeting about Fridays. They just pass me by without me being melancholy about it. Change is known to happen mostly when no one is watching. I like that. I can live with it. I think I am ready to turn a new page.

After all isn't that what the end of the day means - being ready for tomorrow?

"All my life...."

I credit writer Jane Wagner (I love her for her work with Lily Tomlin) for this piece of truth..."All my life I've wanted to be somebody, but I guess I see now I should've been more specific".

There is nothing like a quick dose of cold water splashed on you when the thought occurs to oneself that ..what if, what I am now is all that I will ever be. I shudder to think that.

So, I have finally resolved that before the end of 2009, I will live my life creatively.

There are some ideas I am ruminating over and I think it can be feasible. I have not been this excited about a project for a very long time. I believe I am on the right track. I just have to pace myself this time and then see where I can go with it. I can imagine doing this so I am sure I can make it happen and do it very well. The odds are on my side this time.

And as Jane Wagner suggested, I will be more specific about what I want. I will own my dream and will work very hard to make that dream come true. I aim to pump life, vigor and color back to the creative side of me.

In a few months time, most likely before the end of this year, I hope to get back in here and write about what I am doing. I hope not to jinx it by talking about it in detail at this time. But it will be great and I am sure I will love it, no doubt.

And like any opportunity, I will look past the doors that are closing for me and start creating some myself. No number of doors or windows that are presented before me would equal those that I create myself. I love the thought that I will again be re-energized and I will devote most of my time and effort (besides my day job) in making this happen.

I am one who never subscribe to the sentiment as wasteful as regret. I am who I am for what I have been through, good and bad. And that also includes all the chances that I let pass me. We are all about the choices we make (and NOT making a choice IS making a choice!). But I never regret anything. Ever. Nothing.

And this time, no more excuse. The best part is I still have the rest of my life to be good at it. I will grab my dream by the horn and let that take me soaring to the endless blue skies.

Have a specific dream. Wow, what a concept!

Moments of Silence

I can hear it now, you asking me, "What planet do you think you are in?" or "You can think in the middle of the city of Buenos Aires with all the constant noise and all? What are you, nuts?" But bear with me, I am getting somewhere with this...indulge me, please.

Last night, when I had a moment or so of pure silence (it can happen), I decided to try what I have been perfecting the last 3 months - meditation. I sit in a very comfortable position and with no noise around me, I start my breathing and relaxing exercise. I empty my mind of any distracting thoughts. I let my mind flow and picture wonderful, beautiful and relaxing images. This can be intensely relaxing so I do this before I go to sleep.

And last night, I incorporated my nightly prayers with my meditations. I thought, what a great combination!

Last night here are some of the thoughts that came to mind:

• As much as we want some things to be, sometimes it just can not be.


• When you let your heart lead your life, your heart can be broken. Lesson learned.


• It is OK, to say "My heart still hurts".


• I can not change myself in anyway, unless I want THE change, myself.


• Just when you think your have your life under control, you don't!


• I go to church not because I am asking for something but because my life is much better after such a solemn celebration. It is like me exhaling a sigh of relief each time and Someone is there to listen to me.


• I like singing in the shower.


• When I dance, I do it like no one is watching.


• When I asked myself, what is so good about goodbyes? I found the answer to that - goodbye is actually a short cut for, "God be with you/ ye".


• Where I will be in one year?

My moments of silence is a short segment of my day that actually allows me to think and connect what's in my heart with what's on my mind. I believe meditation is a way to have the heart, mind and action (words/speech) be in-synch. It is almost like connecting the dots. And when these are in-synch, I hope to one day have that balance in my life. And when these elements are in harmony, it will be such a wonderful thing to have in life. That's the beauty, reward and art of silence appreciation.

My moments of silence are golden.

I will try it again tonight.

To Do list

Well, I am in the city for a couple of days, and I got to thinking about what I need to gather together and maybe handcarry with me when I go back to where I came from. :-)

For one thing, I forgot to bring one or 2 suitcases, but nevertheless, I can make a mental note (but I will write it down for good measure) of what I want to carry with me. Just if so I failed to mentioned that I will also TRY to ship via carrier the heavier stuff (e.g. clothes).

So, I was thinking I will stick with the lighter items and think how much more I can take with me compared to blouses and pants, let's say. Make-up, I have to wrap so they do not break since most of my cosmetics usually come with some sort of mirror in the compact or something. And then the items themselves are very delicate, they will shatter and pulverize easily.

Second, I will have to sort out what shoes I can live without for a few months (while cargo is in transit) and shoes that I must have because I so lurve (love) them at this very moment. Hmm...

Then there are the blouses that will come in very handy since it is summer where I am headed. I am thinking just a couple or two of the nice tops I have. And yes, I will need to take my white pants with me - it is almost my signature summer look - white outfit with very pop in color heels and a statement jewelry. Loving the thought already. ..

Oh and by the way, sunglasses...hmm..oh and there are a couple of electronics I will need right away...

Oh well, all this thinking is making me dizzy. I will need to make myself a nice strong cup of coffee...oh I will need to bring my coffee maker, my large mugs....oh well...I will think about this again tomorrow....

The best gift I ever gave my Dad..

Tomorrow being Father's Day and all, I thought I would write about my father.

Growing up in a family of mostly boys, I loved the fact that I am the apple of my father's eye. There are some benefits to being the girl in the family. Father's Day was not that popular of all the commercial celebrated days in my neck of the woods. But I have learned about since grammar school days and always made a point of giving my Dad something on that day.

I remember coffee mugs, pens, drawings and other things. And as I got older, I gave him photographs of us together (framed of course!), I remembered digging some very old photos of me less than a year old and I got that framed and gave it to him one Father's Day and he loved things like that - I recall him telling me the story about the photo even. Sweet....

And now, I give my Dad just about anything at anytime of the year. I see something I think he will like I get and give to him. He likes that. I something I know he would want, I get it and give it to him. That elates him. I guess, of all the things I have I given my Dad, it is the most simple of all things - I tell him I love him every chance I get, or sometimes I just call to say HI and remind him that I love him - in case he forgets :-)

My Dad is the loveliest man I ever know. He knows me so well. He understands me like no one ever does. He forgives me before I can ever make the mistake. He lifts me when I am down. He tells me like I am 6 years old to eat better. He makes sure that I am good and that I believe in myself. He tells me that I have to be true to myself. His love is so unconditional that he asks no questions but gives hugs all the time. he has never spanked me or raised his voice to me, but when I was growing up I was scared of incurring his wrath, even if I cannot even begin to imagine him having it in him. His words are wise, and I listen intently everytime he tells me one of lives lesson. He has instilled in the capability to love those that even do not know what the word even means. I can close my eyes at night and even if he is thousands of miles away from me, I know he is close to me more than ever - he is always in my heart. He is the one that keeps me holding on to the very faith that at times have failed me - or so I thought.

My Dad just like all the other little girls in the world who had the best dad on eart would say - I have the greatest Dad in the entire universe. And I love him for that, just being that my Dad.

What was the best gift you ever gave your Dad?

Happy Father's Day!

This is me walking away....

Yesterday was a blur to me. I remember bits and pieces of it to be honest. All I know is today, I am sleepy, very sleepy. I did not get much sleep last night, it was a long night. I woke up with a stiff neck and sort of just dragging myself all day.

It is difficult to be the new me when I seem to be faced with the same all around me. I really need the change and space. But I comfort myself with the fact that soon I will get the space I need to keep the changes that I have worked so hard to achieve these last couple of months. I believe in the new me, it seems tougher to continue the process at this very moment, but I will be strong.

I promised myself I will not say anything negative that can hurt anyone, even if others still are the same way they were to me. I will not take hurtful comments personally. I have stopped giving other people that power over me. If they think light-hearted comments cannot hurt, they do. I am working towards getting past that now. I just need a day or so to process the tinge of pain and no anger overwhelms me.

This is me walking away....

I hope to be better in the long run. Each day is tough as I continue to grow and be myself. I am a woman and I know what I should and could do for love and friendship. There are relationships that are healthy and there are those that are corrosively toxic, I can see that now. And I have to choose. Sometime soon I can step away from all this and be the deserving victor that I am. The scars and hurt encounterd will be my badges of honor and survival.

I take a deep breath and then as I put a period to this statement, I can say that yesterday was just that - the past.

I am human and still gets hurt. I am strong but have my moments of weakness. Sometimes people around me just do not know that they have hurt me and that is sad..so I have learned to just detach myself..distance myself..and this is me walking away....

And with my head between my hands I say...here we go again.Butt for me I am so past the pain - remember no one can break a broken heart. So I just walk away..it is really for the best.

Problems and their solutions..

The best thing about any life problem is that they have solutions.

There are problems because there is a solution to them. The only caveat to it is that is that sometimes we do not like what the answer is, so we still think that is not the solution! We just have to learn to read the writings on the wall, so to speak.

Problems make us who we are now and they really make as stronger.

Take my case for instance, now I am not in a relationship "relationship" (make quotation mark motion in the air here, please) but I am in a very good friendship relationship with R. I think we are even in a much better state than we ever hoped to imagine we can be at this point in time. This is great. I cannot ask for more than what I have right now. I take it each day at a time, and then we wait and see.

I came to see R in BsAs to put a finality to what seems to be an inevitable phase to our strained relationship. The next step was clearly for the both of us to acknowledge and agree, that there was that needed personal and official ending or a new beginning to our relationship. The learning to let go was the hardest part for me and and to take that answer to heart. But like the innovators that we are R and I mutually stuck with what we know was strongest of all the emotions we felt, and that is friendship. That was too precious to brush to one side.

While I am in Buenos Aires until the very last day of putting my affairs and stuff here in order, I have promised myself that I will be the best non-girlfriend R will ever have. This has been working out very well for me and hopefully for him as well. I have taken all the selfish "me" expectations and placed no demands on myself and R. It is liberating.

What I have seen as a huge no-solution-to-this-problem problem had an answer after all. I had to go through the despair and pain to learn that I live the life I choose to have. I have the exact love life that I want. I make no excuses for myself and that what I have now is what I want. I will place no blame on anyone. And I speak the truth about my relationships and it feels very good. If I want to give happiness I have to try to be happy. I am not 100% happy or will I ever be, but happiness is not my goal anymore. To me happiness is seeing and hearing happiness in every day of living. I promised myself months ago that I will not contribute to my emotional reserve of sadness and pain, not anymore!! What I will be making daily deposits on are my accounts of joy, simplicity and love.

I chose to be part of the solution and attempt to provide answers rather than be part of the problem, which can be emotionally draining.

What I need and want are things that I will try to provide to myself. If I cannot give what I ask from others, I will not want it.
And lately, problems are just that - problems. Now if I have a problem, I will say - my problem does not own me! And that they placed there in front of me because I truly believe that I am strong and will surpass it.

For during my deepest hours of sadness, I have learned to tell myself - that this too shall pass.
When I care for someone, I care for them for life. When I am a friend, I am a friend for life. I might be remiss in alot of things for a long period of time, but that does not mean I do not think about that friend.

And most of the time, the solutions to problems if we can just take a moment to think calmly, close our eyes and open our hearts...we already know the answers all along.

In our hearts...we know...

Would you choose what is behind Door #1, Door #2 or Door# 3

In the last 3 days, I have been standing behind 3 doors, figuratively.

I am always not sure which door to choose. It is the unknown behind each door that leaves me wondering "what could be behind Door #1, is it going to be of lesser value than what is behind Door #2 or better yet what about if I choose Door #3 and it is a dud?"

But often times it is our desire to "have it all" that makes making a decision very difficult. The deciding part is not hard, per se. It is the fear that I might make the wrong decision and I would fall flat on my face again, in pain. And for all intents and purposes, who really wants that much drama in one's life, huh? I mean I am declaring myself NOT a glutton for punishment.

So again for the last 3 days, I have held and been steadfast in my decision that what I have and what R and I are right now, is just what we need. We are exactly in the phase of our "unique" relationship that keeps us very close friends. The doors might be closed, metaphorically but our hearts are always open.

I would like to say that love is a really very deep emotion. If you really love someone (and my R knows this) you are willing to make the sacrifice wholeheartedly. It is my wish to see him happy, and I try everyday (while time permits) to show him (rather than just tell him) that his happiness means alot to me, even if he achieves such happiness without me. Of course I am sad, but sometimes, you just have to pick a door. Sooner or later, a choice has to be made. And a choice is only as good as your resolute to stand behind that choice. The door at this point is immaterial and unimportant. I get that now.

It is my wish to attempt to correct all that I had done wrong to R. I will not dwell on what wrong was done to me, that is not important now. What matters is, if each door opens up and shows me what is behind them, it would not make any difference to me now.

I would always make the choice based (I would love to say heart) on love.

I will choose love in its purest, untainted and unjaded form above anything any door can bring me. I sleep better at night and it would be along the lines of the change that I aspire in the new me. Simplicity you know, it opens new door and eyes for you.

I am at peace now. I have found the middle ground that I have been so agonizing about.

The future is not in what doors I choose but what I make of what I get from the door I choose. I get it now...and I mean..I understand all that now.

Sunday's post on a Monday

Yesterday was Sunday and I just did not have a moment even to post anything here, and trust me I keep loosing my internet connection last night.

I will post here as if it is Sunday (yes, even if we all know today is Monday).

Yesterday I was invited to this barbeque (BBQ) to a very nice palatial house in Vicente Lopez. It was planned for a few days and it being held in Buenos Aires was sort of an oxymoron , BsAs Barbeque, I mean.

The lack of spice here makes the barbeque part kindda not authentic but anyhoo...I volunteered to make the "american version" of a potato salad - it was popular of course and everyone enjoyed it, even those that were on the "not eating carbs diet" :-)

So this house was huge. When given the tour I stopped counting rooms when it hit 5 rooms with ample bathroon space. Just to get to the front door from the front gate was a long walk and I was not disappointed when I toured the house. There were more living rooms and sub-rooms than I have even see in any house here in Argentina. It was wow! The decor was "unique" but to each his own, so to speak.

The living room/dining room was huge, large wooden table that seated 15 people and even left room for more.

Barbeque burgers were served with all the trimmings. Coffee and cake were served in the end. I met loads of people. I like them all. After all I hardly meet a stranger I did not like, really. And yes even here in Argentina.

I drove there, and was amazed about the victorious feat. I was able to get there with minimal instructions and got back to the same autopista with little or no direction whatsoever. It was night time by the time I headed back but the drive I found lots of fun. When there is no pressure to be anywhere at any designated time, one gets to enjoy the drive. I love that part. I think I am learning to like driving again. I just had to re-think my whole concept of it. Leisurely and no stress, it was great.

I loved the change in activity for that Sunday. I missed church and that bums me out but I will go to church in the next day or so.

I am sure I will have to make up for it one way or another, but I liked the plannig, the trip there, meeting new people, dining with new people, gathered new info abotu BsAs restaurants and then the great drive home. It was great.

Oh and I got ice cream for everyone to enjoy on my way home. I wanted to share my nice day to everyone and all.

Cheers!

a quote from Nelson Mandela....

Today was a day like no other before. It was a very nice day. And to make it even more special, I chose this quote by Nelson Mandela...
"It seems impossible until it is done".
At this moment I cannot put into words what I feel, give me a day or two or even three and I am sure it will be duly noted here, one way or another.
Thank you.
I promise a more exciting post tomorrow.

take anything you want from me.anything.anything.

I confess I do not remember the very first time I heard these lyrics. But I know that though Sting has his version, there is nothing like Jimi Hendrix's version as he played it on 02-24-69, Little Wings.
Eric Clapton played it with Sheryl Crow in 2007, it was great (Eric in the guitar and Crow for vocals) but c'mon there is nothing like Hendrix, right?
It says...take anything you want from me. anything.anything.....
Now, how honey dripping sweet is that?! I la-la-loove it!!
There is no body alive that can stroke and strum the strings like Hendrix could. I am a child born in the 60's but not a product of the 60's (sadly) so I have this unexplained affinity to music that have connection and roots in the 60's.
I am partial to heavy metal strings (improv) with the beats of rock n roll - now that is purr-fection.
I think everyone should at one point in their lives have to listen to Little Wings as Hendrix played it live like the one in Paris or the one he did in Albert Hall. The song is short but the lyrics are great and the sound - well, do I need to describe it?
I do not listen to Little Wings often but when I am in a certain mood I look for this song, especially. It is that hard to explain. It is not just a bunch of notes and words strung together it is a feeling that one gets, the experience that makes it unique.
Listen to it at least just once. I swear if you thought Hendrix too heavy for your taste, this will change your perception of him and his talent.

Postcards..an open letter for Claudio

I swore that when I was going to write this post I will not cry. I lied.
Thursday 11th of June, 2009
My Dearest Claudio,

1001 disculpas. I am writing this postcard to you to tell you that I love you.

Thank you for being yourself. I will not dwell so much on what you mean to me because I would like to keep that special by keeping that closest to my heart and no one can ever touch that spot for I think talking about it will diminish its unadulterated meaning.

Allow me instead to share in here what I have learned from you. Thank you for everything, and if I do not say it often, for all times it will be here. Just read and remember me fondly.

I have learned from you that there are no perfect endings, that even in death and wilted flowers are just but part of life. You showed me strength during worst times, weakness in tender moments of recollecting memories, resilience in getting up when the wind is knocked out from under you and making the most out of the cards life has dealt you. You have shown me that you are what you want your life to be. And that you always find joy in the very simple things - I wish to emulate that. I want to be just simple and true to myself, like you are. I admire your dedication to your friendships, if I am ever half of what you are to R as his friend, I would be happy.

In you I have come to understand that the world is round. A shape that has no beginning and no end. And that the endings are only in our minds and we limit them further by what we put in our hearts.

I will forever treasure the pictures that you have given me but most of all I have what I need etched in my memory to last me this lifetime.

I have the stone that you brought from your last fishing trip. I hold it on the palm of my hand and I see that though it is a triangle it has 3 rounded sides. It is domed on the top and with a flattened bottom. I clench my fist and it fits in there perfectly. My heart is said to be the size of my fist, maybe there is something to that. I see it as a symbol of strength and how the little glitters embedded in there from other minerals it has gathered from years of rolling on the riverbedd make the stone what it is. Each time I hold it, I will think of you. I promise you that I will keep it with me always. The day will come when I pick up that stone and I might forget who gave it to me and that would be a very sad day. But remember this, I hope never to forget who gave it to me, but I will never ever forget what a great feeling it has given me.

So for all my shortcomings I hope 1000 apologies in advance would be a good start and the 1 other apology is for the day that I might forget who gave me the stone. 1001 disculpas.

Claudio, now I get it, that happy endings cannot come in the middle of a story, and that even if I pray sometimes what I wish for do not turn out like I wish they would.

Let me leave you with this thought, for I could never explain fully what will be the ending to the story between R and myself but maybe this advise someone gave me would.

It goes something like this...In the end, we are all separate; no matter how similar, we come to a fork and diverge. We are drawn to each other because of our similarities but it is our differences we must learn to respect.

Claudio, you are such a very good person. I feel honored to have known you. You are R's friend and by association you have been so great to me. My life has been better because I have known you, what an honor!

I am sorry if knowing me brought a slight tug of pain in your heart.

I will always have my biggest hug saved for you.
Always,

La Diva

2 suitcases, a hot cup of coffee and lots of shoes..

Well, here I am listening to Bon Jovi on the ipod as I am packing my "stuff". This is the beginning of a new chapter of my life. The first step has been taken and packing it is. As I had unpacked years ago, today I find myself packing. The cycles we all go through in life, you can never really know.

I made myself a nice brew of coffee and tried on some nice shoes (spring and summer wear) before bagging them and placing them in the 2 red suitcases that are open before me. No one said this has to be an excruciating thing, right? I might as well enjoy my shoes, for I know it will be very long time before I meet up with them again.

Had to dig some plastic bags to wrap these babies up before putting them altogether in one suitcase. I am sure it will take several suitcases to empty this place up.

There is a sense of finality to this exercise. And so far I am doing well, emotionally I mean. I found a nice framed photo of R and me when we attended Lucia's baptismal from years ago. Lots of changes in me from then and now. Memories of good times.

I dug some more stuff, boy do I have loads of them! Purses of all sizes, shirts of various colors and things that I would like to take still with me to my next destination. I found some music CDs. It would be great to find forgotten "treasures" in them.

As I am doing this, I thought in one's life we have to learn to let go of people, situations, things and stuff, memories and most especially we have to learn to let go of ourselves. And letting go I ponder is a human attempt to correct what had happened in the past. Strength you might think may come from holding on but it takes a stronger person to let go. It is a form of acceptance that there are certain things that cannot be. And in my case, this is the sincerest and purest form of saying ...I love you.

Here on forward, we girls like to call this part "picking up the pieces" and that basically means... it is all over.

It is my belief that we never truly leave anyone behind. We leave a part of us in them and we take a piece of them with us.

There is no saying what tomorrow brings but for me, I have some serious packing to do and I better get a crack at it.

I am strong. I can do this and I am not alone.

Beauty in simplicity.

Every morning for the last month or so the moment I am aware that I am fully awake I tell myself, that today I am alive, have a purpose and will not waste today. And so far each daily affirmation of starting it positive have been very healthy and helpful for me. I know it is a very simple thing you might say, to make such a big difference in one's life, but to me I am all about simplifying my life. Complication never brought me the joy that simple stuff is bringing me now. Now I get it.

I smile when I see a blade of grass catch a sunray, it gives it length and makes it greener. I appreciate things now that before I barely even noticed. Simplicity is beauty. And there is beauty in simple things.

I work towards having my thoughts, my words and my action be just that... simple and harmony will follow. I believe harmony is also spelled P-E-A-C-E; and who doesn't want that?

Monday Blues

A gloomy and cold Monday always gives me the blues.

Today I thought about what songwriter and singer Jimmy Buffett said that ...If it (relationship) does not work out there will never be any doubt that the pleasure was worth all the pain.

Then I also remembered another line from another author, that goes:

When a love comes to an end the weakling cry, efficient ones instantly find another and the wise already have one in reserve.

R, distance of place and passage of time will recede our love and friendship, especially our love because I think it is at the end of its life. But for friendship's sake, please keep in touch.

Let me ask you this, where is the good in goodbye? Do you know?

And the worst part about our final goodbye is that in our case we do not know when we will ever say hello again. But before I forget, I would like to say that when we part I will part with loving words only so you can think about me fondly in my absence in your life.

I try not to be sad. I feel melancholic though and I know it is still sadness that has come to see light.

The longest winter ever.....

The same but different

Today is Sunday, church day. For those of you who do not practice any particular religion you can skip this post, it is okay I won't feel bad, really!

Going to church in Argentina (in my church particularly) is different than any other churches I have attended service before because of the following:

• When the service is listed to start at 10am, that is just a suggestion. Do not take that to heart. No one shows up exactly at that time - today's 10am service did not start until 10:40am. So there.
• Today's priest gave his sermon sitting down. I have never seen that done like that before.
• It is okay if the main singer of the choir sings off key and I mean way OFF.
• The "peace I bid you" is mostly done with a peck on the cheek of those around you, six pews behind you or okay, all the back at the church, can take sometime, yeah sure, but hey no one's in a hurry.
• If the song is really nice we can repeat it as many times as we can, again no one's in a hurry so keep repeating that refrain as many times as most of us feel like it.
• It is okay for the guitarist to leave just before the holy communion leaving the choir (including the one that sings off key) singing to an amateur's rendition (another guitarist wannabe) of the songs. Oh I get it the guitarist left BECAUSE of the the off key singer. Okay, got that!
• It is even okay to overtake anyone during the communion line,.I mean people are still in the PanAmerican driving mode, be it highway or to communion, if you see an opening take it. Gets you ahead of the line, man oh man.

One thing that is universal I think and I saw this too here, is that as soon as the priest gives us the blessing to go and we all make the sign of the cross - people are out that door.

Today's service was good with all the comic relief and all.

And I quote "All's well that ends well"....

Today was the day. The much long anticipated "talk" happened today. And..."All's well that ends well". No happy ending in this relationship as of today .. so the story continues.

I would like to end this chapter of my life like you would a book, I would insert a bookmark just right here and will comeback to it at a later time.

But in time, I would be able to put them into words and I will put them down here, just not today.

Though it was cold today, lots of wind but the sun was warm to the skin and the sunset was beautiful. It held a significant symbolism to me as I looked at it's grandeur and splendor against the orange sky going down the horizon. I know it has gone down to give darkness to the sky but the moon is bright and the sun as still its source of light and a promise that tomorrow everything will be bright again.

But sadly tomorrow, I am officially single as in not in a relationship anymore.

All's well that ends well.

If I could do it all again....

Maybe to those who are reading my blog, one question would pop into your minds...If I could do it again, would I change anything?

Things are never quite that simple.

Oddly enough though, without qualifying my answer, of course, the answer is NO. Did I regret anything? Yes. But not all of it was bad, I can say that. It was tough.

If I only knew then what I know now, things would be different. But again everything would be different, or maybe not. There is really no telling how all these would have happened but the fact is my experience was something that I had to learn AT THAT TIME, not before and certainly not after - I had to learn a lesson at a particular time - and that was just what happened.
If I had changed anything from the beginning, all these lessons would have been lost and I would not be the me I am today, a better version of me. My goal is to one day be the best version I could ever be me. I am unique and no one can be me better than I could ever be. I just have to work hard at it. I know that now.

There are also things that I still have to work on and am still discovering about myself. It is not easy to peel off the layers of the person buried underneath all these years of putting up defenses to avoid "another" major hurt, but there is just no way around what life is. There is just no easy way about it.

If I could do it ALL over again there are parts I would have done better and things that I would never change. The first part of this story (or saga) would have been changed to a much better turn of events but the end would have been different and I am not sure if I would give up all the life lessons that I "got" because of the mistakes that were made.

I never gave myself credit for the resiliency that I have. I thought my world was going to just crumple and fall apart but once I pulled my boot straps and gave it some good good old college try, I knew I can do. I would survive the greatest ordeal of my affair of the heart, so far.

I am sure I would not survive another one of this. So fate, if you are listening that would probably would be the one to do me in if ever.

If I could do it again, there are parts that I would not change. I would still go back "home" and heal there, just like I did. There at "home" I knew I was not alone. I felt that I was not carrying all these by myself, I told not a living soul of my broken heart but I knew in the way they so lovingly treated me that they can see I needed the love more this time around.

The part where I found a spiritual journey when I least expected it was a life's experience I think I so needed to hit me smack between the eyes. It is a lesson I am still learning, and hopefully would do it justice by the way I proceed with the rest of my life.

Simplicity is beauty. I made my life so complicated and I have to unlearn some things and totally change the way I think. It can be quite a task, but I live with the effort everyday. In my heart of hearts (that is temporarily out of order) I know who I am - I just have to love and forgive those who cannot love me truly because of who I really am. And the part about being able to do it all over again - I guess, as long as I live, I would not regret anything or anyone that I have loved, because I believe I am fortunate and blessed to love and suffer in this lifetime. My life has been pretty full so far because of all the parts and chapters of my life that were colorful and so well put together. I am the sum of all my experiences. Suffering is part of it all,no one is exempt. And defintely no "free out of jail card". Grieving is part of suffering and sometimes there is no timeframe for getting over loosing something, especially if it was something you never truly had. I know that now. As I live and learn, I learn to live and love.

Wishing something to have been or to be different is not moving forward. Me, the words could have, would have and should have are parts of the old vocabulary. I do what I can and just be true to myself, to ask for more is just plain being selfish and who wants that?

Believe it or not...

Let it be written here (and it is) that a wonderful thing happened to me when I went to JUMBO today. I would even dare say - excellent customer service was accorded me. Hope springs eternal!

Well it went this way - I left the house...okay we skip that part!

I was at JUMBO 52km or so outside of Buenos Aires, and was there to get some cleaning supplies; I got most of what I needed except one - CIF Oxy Gel ( a special formulation of a solution for cleaning tile floors). There were just none where "they are supposed to be". So I happened to see this young gentleman (had a clip board and had a jacket that said - JUMBO) walking down the end of my particular aisle. I approached him then said hello (hola in spanish...jajaja). I also greeted him good afternoon( buenas tardes) and then proceeded to tell him what I was looking (buscando) for and where I was looking for it. He went to the same spot where "it is supposed to be" but NADA. So without batting an eyelash, he goes to get me a CIF Oxy Gel from one of the promo bags - I mean WOW!! I have never seen anyone at JUMBO - well anywhere in this country's supermarkets go out of their way to give me what I really wanted. He was very nice and nonchalant about it, which made it more real and sincere. I mean it was short of having some sheath of light coming from the sky to tell me this was an aberration or that I have been punked or something (candid camera, maybe?). I thanked him maybe thrice - I should not be shocked when I get the kind of service I deserve. I think the young man only reacted the way he did because I was cordial and nice to him and he reciprocated with exemplary service. That young man had self worth and he knew what he can do and extended great customer service, I mean it was really a WOW moment for me.

There was was standing in line to pay and I thought to myself something I almost forgot, there is still good in very little things and I felt good about the encounter. I saw how what he did made my day even brighter.

Whoever is the owner of JUMBO should be very proud that amongst them is a person that has not only the promise but the clear potential to take their company to new levels - a change worth taking - for one happy customer is a returning customer. Conquer the supermarket one happy customer at a time.

No matter what they say about JUMBO now I am a convert and I am returning. I am a patron now.

Next I see the young man I will ask him his name - he was not wearing a name tag today and I did not want to appear "cougarish" by asking him his name.

It was a nice day. It was warm all over.

Smiles.

Different shades of gray

Today, I can look at where I have been a few months ago (2 months ago exactly) and I can truly say..that you can't die of a broken heart.

Now, I know that but I did not know it then. I also realized that to truly love someone you have to be ready for them to break your heart and the forgiveness will follow, in due time... yes.... in due time.

The heart I think is the only organ that can be "broken" and still function.

Heartbreak is a hard experience to go through. I have never thought much about hell but I think I was there and have come back with a lesson. I saw how the world kept on going and did not stop when I was grieving. Heartbreak is nothing words can describe. It has no taste but the emptiness is like an abyss. It is called broken heart but why does my entire body hurt? I still feel like that sometimes during bad days. And I do not really know when I can get over what I went through. Pain is inevitable in cases like these but I also know suffering is optional. But did it have to hurt so much? I am changed by this experience and life has presented me almost all shades of gray. Nothing is no longer just plain black or plain white for me - there are these shades in between that I used to just ignore but I see them now. Nothing seems to be just what they are anymore. For lately, I do not see things the way they are, but what we are in them. There in the darkest period of trying to piece myself together again, I did find a new me. My best find so far.

I no longer seek absolute happiness. I will not recognize what it is if I come face to face with it. I will just enjoy what today brings.

The load that was taken off me when I made the decision to be myself and not stress myself out with trying to please others with what I think I can do for them and not being who I am, was one stress less. I let go of all that now and I know if I am only true to myself (like what my father always told me) I will finally get to where I want to be.

There is a Zen saying that goes - In your heart you already know.

The prospect that my life will change further is a challenge for me. One that I will welcome and embrace this time. I will not fight it. I will revel in it. I will grow with it and learn about myself in the process.

My heart is still in tatters but functioning, thank you for asking. I am in Buenos Aires once again, where it all began. The place where I heard my heart break. I have come full circle and you know you gotta have strength to do this all over again. I am not s sucker for punishment contrary to what you might hear out there. It is a hard process but I must go through this to be able to move forward. Moving on is such a cliche but moving forward is more hopeful and promising of things positive.

Life is hard no one promised it to be easy but throw in a broken heart and things can get really messy. Me with scuffed knees and a few flicked tears I am standing up again, taking one breath at a time, putting one foot in front of the other. Life goes on....in my heart I know, now I know why there are different shades of gray.

What happened to Monday?

Here I am contemplating what happened to Monday? I forgot to post? omg!

Well, Tuesday's post will make up for a tardy Monday blog :-).

I slept well last night, thank you for asking. Still eating light before bedtime and I am sure that helps a great deal to get quality zzzzzz's.

Oh yeah, I remembered what I did Monday... I was looking for some of my stuff that I had left here in Buenos Aires, jeans, other pants, blouses, makeup supplies, hair treatments, lotions, tweeezers and tissues. I found all of them and other things I was not looking for at this particular time really - okay I forgot I even had them! But a nice surprise nevertheless.

I also went to the grocery yesterday. Things are not the same anymore at my COTO, it was disappointing for each time every year I go there it turns out more to be more of a kiosko than a grocery store. The selections are getting so limited at skyrocketing prices.

I decided to abstain from ice cream (helado) at this time. The cold weather is really helping me stay away from this stuff. And my hips are thanking me for that. I also cooked ravioli (fresh) with veggie stuffing. I made my own light alfredo sauce (pseudo white sauce using Por Salut) sprinkled with some fresh red basil. Very delish for very low price and low calorie/fat.

I was busy posting a line or two about the bijou online yesterday. There is an up and coming Liquidacion Sale at the store and I need to sell all the inventory.

I also took a moment or two to go for a walk, it was freezin' cold but was a good one.

I did not forget about Monday afterall, just forgot to post it here. Ooops..

Tuesday (today) is cold 9-ish degrees but a nice day to spend a few minutes with R. Thanks.

Oh, now I remember I still have some stuff to dig up in here. I am not sure if I left them in here or maybe somewhere else.

I am also trying to reconnect with some of my friends here for sure they have all gone back to the US for the summer.

See ya tomorrow?