Different shades of gray

Today, I can look at where I have been a few months ago (2 months ago exactly) and I can truly say..that you can't die of a broken heart.

Now, I know that but I did not know it then. I also realized that to truly love someone you have to be ready for them to break your heart and the forgiveness will follow, in due time... yes.... in due time.

The heart I think is the only organ that can be "broken" and still function.

Heartbreak is a hard experience to go through. I have never thought much about hell but I think I was there and have come back with a lesson. I saw how the world kept on going and did not stop when I was grieving. Heartbreak is nothing words can describe. It has no taste but the emptiness is like an abyss. It is called broken heart but why does my entire body hurt? I still feel like that sometimes during bad days. And I do not really know when I can get over what I went through. Pain is inevitable in cases like these but I also know suffering is optional. But did it have to hurt so much? I am changed by this experience and life has presented me almost all shades of gray. Nothing is no longer just plain black or plain white for me - there are these shades in between that I used to just ignore but I see them now. Nothing seems to be just what they are anymore. For lately, I do not see things the way they are, but what we are in them. There in the darkest period of trying to piece myself together again, I did find a new me. My best find so far.

I no longer seek absolute happiness. I will not recognize what it is if I come face to face with it. I will just enjoy what today brings.

The load that was taken off me when I made the decision to be myself and not stress myself out with trying to please others with what I think I can do for them and not being who I am, was one stress less. I let go of all that now and I know if I am only true to myself (like what my father always told me) I will finally get to where I want to be.

There is a Zen saying that goes - In your heart you already know.

The prospect that my life will change further is a challenge for me. One that I will welcome and embrace this time. I will not fight it. I will revel in it. I will grow with it and learn about myself in the process.

My heart is still in tatters but functioning, thank you for asking. I am in Buenos Aires once again, where it all began. The place where I heard my heart break. I have come full circle and you know you gotta have strength to do this all over again. I am not s sucker for punishment contrary to what you might hear out there. It is a hard process but I must go through this to be able to move forward. Moving on is such a cliche but moving forward is more hopeful and promising of things positive.

Life is hard no one promised it to be easy but throw in a broken heart and things can get really messy. Me with scuffed knees and a few flicked tears I am standing up again, taking one breath at a time, putting one foot in front of the other. Life goes on....in my heart I know, now I know why there are different shades of gray.