If I could do it all again....

Maybe to those who are reading my blog, one question would pop into your minds...If I could do it again, would I change anything?

Things are never quite that simple.

Oddly enough though, without qualifying my answer, of course, the answer is NO. Did I regret anything? Yes. But not all of it was bad, I can say that. It was tough.

If I only knew then what I know now, things would be different. But again everything would be different, or maybe not. There is really no telling how all these would have happened but the fact is my experience was something that I had to learn AT THAT TIME, not before and certainly not after - I had to learn a lesson at a particular time - and that was just what happened.
If I had changed anything from the beginning, all these lessons would have been lost and I would not be the me I am today, a better version of me. My goal is to one day be the best version I could ever be me. I am unique and no one can be me better than I could ever be. I just have to work hard at it. I know that now.

There are also things that I still have to work on and am still discovering about myself. It is not easy to peel off the layers of the person buried underneath all these years of putting up defenses to avoid "another" major hurt, but there is just no way around what life is. There is just no easy way about it.

If I could do it ALL over again there are parts I would have done better and things that I would never change. The first part of this story (or saga) would have been changed to a much better turn of events but the end would have been different and I am not sure if I would give up all the life lessons that I "got" because of the mistakes that were made.

I never gave myself credit for the resiliency that I have. I thought my world was going to just crumple and fall apart but once I pulled my boot straps and gave it some good good old college try, I knew I can do. I would survive the greatest ordeal of my affair of the heart, so far.

I am sure I would not survive another one of this. So fate, if you are listening that would probably would be the one to do me in if ever.

If I could do it again, there are parts that I would not change. I would still go back "home" and heal there, just like I did. There at "home" I knew I was not alone. I felt that I was not carrying all these by myself, I told not a living soul of my broken heart but I knew in the way they so lovingly treated me that they can see I needed the love more this time around.

The part where I found a spiritual journey when I least expected it was a life's experience I think I so needed to hit me smack between the eyes. It is a lesson I am still learning, and hopefully would do it justice by the way I proceed with the rest of my life.

Simplicity is beauty. I made my life so complicated and I have to unlearn some things and totally change the way I think. It can be quite a task, but I live with the effort everyday. In my heart of hearts (that is temporarily out of order) I know who I am - I just have to love and forgive those who cannot love me truly because of who I really am. And the part about being able to do it all over again - I guess, as long as I live, I would not regret anything or anyone that I have loved, because I believe I am fortunate and blessed to love and suffer in this lifetime. My life has been pretty full so far because of all the parts and chapters of my life that were colorful and so well put together. I am the sum of all my experiences. Suffering is part of it all,no one is exempt. And defintely no "free out of jail card". Grieving is part of suffering and sometimes there is no timeframe for getting over loosing something, especially if it was something you never truly had. I know that now. As I live and learn, I learn to live and love.

Wishing something to have been or to be different is not moving forward. Me, the words could have, would have and should have are parts of the old vocabulary. I do what I can and just be true to myself, to ask for more is just plain being selfish and who wants that?