Emotions...

It is raining outside. In Buenos Aires it is not uncommon to get a bad weather day now and again even after 5 days straight of "almost like spring" weather during winter time. It was bound to happen...cycle of nature, you know. You have to take the rainy days to enjoy..to fully enjoy, the sunshine filled ones.

Times have been tough between my "R" and myself lately. Adjustment is a constant changing challenge and so far, we are hanging in there. We have a long history and a very good frienship foundation to see us through these rough times. I have confidence that things will work out for the best in the end. I have believed in that since I was a little girl, I just do not know anything else different than believing that you might want to push something one way but if the peg does not fit, find another. I love with everything I have. I get hurt so deeply because of that but to love a man, there is no half-way about it. It takes the whole and everything of one to love another or you are not in love at all. I have lived my life by being true to who I envision myself to be. I do not lie or pretend when things are not in good order. I wear my heart on my sleeve and some people do not like that, but again this is ME, the REAL ME. And like it or not, this is who, what and where I want to be. Never in my life have I been willing to sacrifice the reality of my person. I will not compromise that. I will never live my life to please another person or sacrifice my life for the reassurance of another. I only get one shot at this thing called Lifetime. The plan is to live my life to the fullest of what GOD had given me, so not to waste and disappoint a gift so precious as life that was molded and formed just for me with His love, grace and forgiveness. My gratitude is manifested in making sure that I use all the talents and wisdom I have to make the most of my very short stint in life.

Sadness, anger, fear and gladness are very basic emotions. Regret, I was told is a combination of the first two. And to think that love should be the main steering force in our lives sometimes though like a thief in the night, fear takes over and eventually at the end the result, we get, regret.

I do not wish to lie in my deathbed later in life and wished that I did something differently. Regret is something that is hindsight with a big smack on the forehead. No one can foretell the future, that is true; but if you do something with pure love without stains of fear and sadness, it is as good as guaranteed that you will not regret such a decision.

We get angry and frustrated about people and things in our life we do not have any control over. I am learning that lesson every single day and it is not easy. I can only control me and my reactions, and I do not want be controlled by sadness, fear nor anger. The thought of someone holding my emotions hostage for their reassurance is a sad and tragic event in anyone's life and should never be allowed. We love because we care and we care because we love. There are moments that tough love have to exercised.

I will be alright in the long run no matter what happens with my "R" and I. I hope that being temporarily miserable is a better option than being permanently miserable without each other. Loneliness can still be there even if you are not alone. I only wish "R" happiness. His father would have wanted it that way.

I do not know how my "M" will take such a blow, but it will prove once again that people in our lives come, stay for awhile and leave. Maybe he is right. We have to wait and see.

I will try to hold on as long as I can. My love for "R" will see me through this but something will have to happen to sort this out for the best for everyone. I wish everyone luck on that.

The rain has stopped for a litte bit, it gives us respite. The sun is tryin' to peak past the gray clouds but more rain is in the forecast. Now there is lightining and thunder from a distance, it is not unusual to get a soggy day like today. It washes the dirt off the streets and the leaves look greener from here. It is not all that bad. I cannot wait for that sun shiny day again though.

Do not forget to stay warm and dry. I 'll see you another day.

I will be fine.

Ciao