A funny thing happened on the way to...

I am here in Buenos Aires, it is freakin' cold out here! Oh did I mention it is winter time here? That explains the heavy jacket, undershirt required or layering of clothing and heavy socks under boots kindda attire but anyhoo.... The flight out of Cali was on time and I had the great pleasure of sitting next to a very nice young man mid to late 20ish, he works on boats. The working hands sorts gave him away but the Bulova watch he was sporting on his left right blew me away - nice. Very soft spoken, had a very conservative grey colored ipod, nice shoes, white shirt, beaten jeans and very clean and nice green (faded) jacket. You can only get to be so lucky sometimes to have a seat as nice as this Philadephian. Very nice.

Then there was the stop over in Texas. I love the airport, the food and the people are mostly nice. No negatives me here, not today anyway. There I had an early dinner and headed to the appropriate gate, walked around a bit, browsed around some more and then decided to just sit and wait it out (the flight). So I chose my seat carefully and then amongst all the stories I can tell I will tell the one about a family of 4, couple with their 2 daughters, they were taking photos and then as the father was backing up to frame the picture, he looked back and he saw me sitting there. After he took their photo I asked if they wanted me to take a photo of them all four. They were so happy to get a group photo. They thanked me and I continued on, and so did they. Two minutes later, they were calling someone and asking that person if they had received the photo with all four of them, they mentioned that a lady took it for them. I had done a good deed. I smiled.

Then as we were all set to go, on time and not so full plane - off we went. The first funny thing that happened was when the flight stewardesses were serving salad and they were passing a tray to the kid to my right, seated by the window, the incident gave new meaning to the word tossed salad coz the lettuce were flying all over the place. I was no amused! To think I could have had lettuce on my head - not funny!!

Then the stewardess had to reprimand someone who after numerous announcements NOT TO STAND UP because of the turbulence, someone did, and that person was hollered at!

Then getting off the plane because of the swine flu incident or precaution, there was an extra form to be filled out, a masked to be put on and then a line to be followed that took you to the heat sensor camera. It was like sci-fi movie was unfolding. I do not know if you remember how geeky and weird it look when people used to step out of a 3D movie wearing those goofy glasses - it looked like this except people were wearing masks.

It was funny....Oh and I had a runny nose, sneezing for a day after I got off the plane. People are so inconsiderate to sneeze right at you and cough without covering their mouth. Argh! I hate that - sorry but I do. So there I said that - funny stuff happens and a couple happened to me on my way to BsAs.

So far after a good night's sleep and medication/tea I am better.

Tomorrow I know it will be even better.

Medication you know...can't write anything of great detail ...yet.

It takes two to tango.

Well, I am packing my bags and in a couple of days I will be in Argentina, again. There will be no posting tomorrow (in transit) but I will try to post something before the end of the week. If I cannot, please accept my apologies in advance. I will make an entry as soon as I can.

This trip has a different purpose. I can feel the difference. I look forward to being there this time of the year. I believe I am going to where I need to be -for this trip is essential and an opportunity for me to continue to heal and to grow. This is my moment of reckoning.

I'm ready as I'll ever be.

This moment is the only thing I know I have for sure.

My brain is wired differently, I am sure. As a woman I go through random thoughts, unfinished trails of thoughts all through out the day. Some are suspended ideas that I do not come across again until days later. But one thing I know, every time I draw a breath and I exhale, I know for sure and with utmost certainty that this moment is the only thing I know I have for sure.

In advance I would like to apologize to all my friends out there that have noticed a considerable amount of change in me. I think differently now, and I am not sure if that is a good thing but it is a good change for me. I do not like detailed planning anymore. Control does not have a handle of me now. I know I do not have to micro-manage every single detail of every single day. It is liberating. I think my face, skin and my spirit shows it. The only headaches I get now are from noise pollutants (radio, traffic, crowds and the like).

I breath with calmness. I exhale with pace (I sigh less now also).

I for one do not want to age quicker than I should. I even abhor the phrase age gracefully, hey I am going to fight this aging thing tooth and nail if I can help it.

Maturing on the other hand I will embrace wholeheartedly. One is never too young to be matured in thoughts and action. Humility comes with maturity. Courtesy is a character of maturity. Growth is the benefit of maturity. So I am all for maturity.

The following are my own quotes, I did not copy them from anyone.

There are things in life I have found out recently that did not matter much to me a mere month ago or so:

• If someone is of great value to you it is best to see that person fulfill their purpose even if it means sacrificing what you want for that person.
• Who I am is of lesser importance than what I might be.
• Each moment counts for a lifetime is all but just moments in time.
• It is when I let logic rule that I forget about my instincts. My instincts never fail me. It is the only thing I know.
• It is when things are perfect or seem perfect that I start to worry the most.
• Uncertainty is the soft voice from within me that tells me something is not right.
• The hardest decisions I have to make are the ones where I already know what the decision is.
• Love is alot like life, it is unfair, not easy, and can be darn cold sometimes yet it must be sustaining something in humans for it is still popular than ever.
• Crying from the heart is what keeps me from implounding or exploding, either way it is one way my body regulates pressure.
• The truest of all love is the one that you give without expecting anything in return, not even a kind word or gratitude.
• Real integrity is doing something right and good without another soul knowing about it.
• Pray for your friends but pray harder and more often for your enemies, they need it the most.
• No matter what happens, if it was meant to happen it will happen because there is a reason for it, like there is a reason for everything - even if at that moment we are just not wise enough to know what that reason is.
• If you can give love a chance be willing to give change a chance.
• Anything worldy is never permanent. The best things in life do not take the physical form.
• I seek not perfection anymore, so I just strive to see imperfection perfectly.
• The best years of my life are still ahead of me. The biggest dream I have is yet to be fulfilled and I will get there. I am already changing the way I think.
• If you plan an adventure way too much you miss the great scenery on your way to your destination.
• Sometimes to find oneself, you have to get lost.

I know that this moment, I breath, I exhale, is the only thing I know I have for sure. I seize it.

You can quote me on this one!

• I will no longer just live life, I will love living!
• From hereon, I recognize that my future begins today and not tomorrow.
• Planning life has obviously not worked for me, so I will stop doing that. I promise to provide myself options from now on.
• Letting go does not mean you are weak, it just means you are now stronger.
• God gave me a pair of eyes, functioning ones. I will not do them injustice by viewing my life through someone else's.
• Mistakes are not counted by how many times you have fallen, it is rejoiced by the many times you decide to get up and never crawl.
• There is no better teacher than experience. In life, you can only learn loads of things, you just have to be willing to go through the pain.
• If hell is here on earth, I think I just got off the bus from there.
• I can do this, I am strong and I am never alone.
• Sometimes you ask for someone who will love you and most often than not you end up with someone who needs love more than you do, there is an irony in that.
• Any relationship is defined by yet another relationship.
• A hello can take a minute but a goodbye can take forever.
• I would give up a lover quicker than I would a friend.
• I will embrace the new me. I am the sum of all my minuses. I am getting to where I need to be.
• I have to be honest and fair to myself because to do otherwise will make me liar of the worst kind.
• Does one really forgive if one cannot really forget?
• I do not wish to regret anything in this life. I am in for the crazy ride. I want to live a very full life.
• My tombstone should even read....She lived life under her own terms.
• I want to be cremated (so no tombstone for me) when I die. I do not want the ceremonies and flowers for these practices are for benefit the living.
• Mortality is a morbid thing. Either you are busy living life or you are busy dying while you are still alive.
• I remember my father holding my little fingers when we used to cross the street when I was a little girl. I felt ever so safe then. What I would give to feel that secure again!

I have learned that...

True love is not something or someone that will come to me, it comes from inside of me.

And now the awkward silence....

This, the blog, has been a catharsis for me. I see my thought and random musings in black and white. It gives me a moment to think and in some instances (hit my forehead with my open palm) they are "duh" moments really.

I am going back to Argentina in a few days to finally face my moment of reckoning. The moment of truth, so to speak. I am not sure what I have to face and what will happen..but I am hopeful that after all these years of being together, there will be a mutual desire to continue the friendship even if there is that possibility that the future will be forged in two separate paths. We have to be all ready for the uncertainty in life. Boy, have I learned that, fast!

There will be the compulsory awkward silences, that is to be expected. But if we are to be adults about this, I am sure we have the other's best interest at heart and whatever you do out of love and for love, you do not tend to regret it later. It is what you do not get to do that leaves you wondering what might have been later - and usually those are terrible to face on one's deathbed.

Whatever lies ahead I am willing to be held accountable for my inability to deliver my share of the deal in this relationship. There are two people in every real relationship and I can only speak of my responsibility in the present state of affairs of my love and heart. I am responsible for the life I am living now, I have no one to blame but myself. I no longer wish to be in agony, in sorrow, sadness or pain. The time it took me to grow up was just a heartbeat , I am still recovering from the impact of that heartbeat. Every moment that took my breath away I took for granted and now that the breath that fed those moments are running out, and I stand here looking back and wondering if the silence will ever stop. I hear my tears falling at times, not as often as they used to, I can hear my heart pounding on my chest as I lay down to sleep at night, the silence is loud.

And to those who never had their hearts broken, you are so lucky, I think, but again, I would not give up or exchange all that I had learned about myself these last few months for never having experienced a broken heart. I will never be the same again. There is hole in my heart now and no matter how much I try to ignore, cover it up or grow something in there, it will always have that emptiness that was onced occupied. Never being the same again, only means one thing. I have changed and I am a long way from knowing what the new me will bring in my life. I am hoping no matter where this takes me, I will never loose the lesson of what happened to me here. I do not wish to repeat this ever again in this lifetime, I do not think my poor heart can take it one more time, so in retrospect, I will take that awkward silence any day.

As I view the past years in wonder and awe.

“Over the course of the average lifetime you meet a lot of people. Some of them stick with you through thick and thin. Some weave their way through your life and disappear forever. But once in a while someone comes along who earns a permanent place in your heart” …someone said this.

I am sure not a lot of you know who had said this and who he is does not really matter, the important thing is that what he said above is true..and no truer words have ever been spoken. Someone does come along in everyone's lifetime and earns a permanent place in our heart.

Friends are a plenty but a true friend is almost like soulmates. And those are the ones that are very hard to give up and if I can help it, I would rather have the friend and friendship for life. It hurts the most when you loose a soulmate because it is like dividing one spirit that happens to be occupying two bodies.

As I ponder my lot as I lay awake at night, the best years of my life was during these last few years. I am in awe and wonder every time I think about my numerous blessings and the love that I have shared with one very spectacular man. Mistakes and the ever quest for perfection I think doomed the relationship from the start. It was never easy again after San Diego. There was a "formula" then but it does not apply to today's circumstances. Changes you know, you fight to hold on and yet you fight to let go. Changes brings growth and hopefully, in my case, maturity. I try to live everyday with my imperfection and I do not wish everyone and everything to be perfect because I cannot will myself for the same. I can accept that now.

All I quest for is inner peace or peace of mind as others may call it, and I begin with looking into my heart and my heart tells me I have a very long way to go on this journey. I need to find my way again.

Life like Love is all about changes. Tomorrow brings me a new opportunity to grow again. My spirit was dampened but I am learning to fly again. I look up at the stars and I know they too are not permanent up there, they too change and nothing gets larger than a star, so must I.

Humility is an experience that I needed to learn, and I consider myself very fortunate to have learned and continue to learn this lesson. All I had been through these last few weeks have shown me that I am just a small speck in this universe and if I do my purpose in life well, I would have made a difference in my own small way - and to me that is a very great deal. So I wonder and remain in awe of how I find my self, my humility in the greatest wonder of all - love and life.

Looking back is never a bad thing- as long as you leave the past in the past and look forward to living today and see future as a by product of what I have accomplished today.

No matter what I do in the future, I promise I will always keep things real. A lesson I learned myself.

The ones we hurt the most...

There's one sad truth in life I've found

While journeying east and west

-The only folks we really wound

Are those we love the best.

We flatter those we scarcely know,

We please the fleeting guest,

And deal full many a thoughtless blow

To those who love us best.

~ by Ella Wheeler Wilcox

Happy 22nd to everyone. Have a great Friday.

Friendship Week

Guess what? After yesterday's posting, I found out that this week is Friendship Week. Talking about timing, huh! I could not have timed this post better than when I wrote about seeing my friends here in Cali yesterday. Things do happen when they are meant to happen.

I am not really much of the thinking kind. I am more of the reactive thinker. I do not sit and seek out things to think about. The thoughts come to me, and sometimes WHAM! they just hit me when I least expect it. And lately, the WHAM moments have been leaving me long winded at most times.

Thoughts lately:

• You experience something or someone in your life when you are ready to learn a lesson about life.
• I might not be the right one for the one I love.
• Love does not stop just because we do not see each other.
• Distance does make a difference. It might not be the difference you had hoped it to be, but it makes a difference nevertheless.
• Time will heal all wounds, but time is relative.
• In the ends everything will work out for the best, I have to keep believing that.
• To give you the best love I have to offer, I must learn to love and forgive myself.
• I will cherish you for always.
• Our relationship is not about you or about me, it is about "us". And without "us" there is no relationship.
• Forgive me for I am imperfect. I apologize if I misled you to think that I could deliver a perfect relationship, I can't. I do not come close to the women whose high standard of love and relationships you know. But I still thank the good Lord above that he made me imperfect. I can live with myself better knowing that I live to better myself.
• You have to have a whole heart for it to get broken. You can never break a heart that was already broken, the word for that is shattered .
• I am struggling with forgiving myself.
• Wherever all these leads us, remember we are friends. We should be happy for each other even if we temporarily do not occupy the same space and time.

Friendships are rare gifts. We have the priviledge to choose our friends. We care for them. We remain loyal to them and above all, we trust them. I am fortunate to have found some true friends in my life. The real friends I have found are the ones that do not want anything material from me, just to see me happy is enough for them. I have friends that never asked me to bring them anything from any of my travels, they get tempted but never ask for it. As much as it will bring me pleasure to do this for them, they never ask. Friends who wants to know if there is anything they can do for me, like listen to me if there is something that worries me - my eyes are sad they say, and they cannot be fooled by the big happy smile I put on or the laughter that never seems to come from the heart. Friends can read you and they read you well. Unconditional love, that is what true friends give us. They better our lives because we know them. They feed our spirit with a longing - and just to see them across the table over dinner or lunch, makes us feel that we have renewed the connection. We are in touch.

Friendship Week is just 7 days of every year to celebrate such love between people. But everyday is Friendship Day for me. Now that I know those who truly love me not because of what I can give them, or I have met their expections of me but because of what they mean in life. I have paused and thanked friends lately for just being there for me. I make sure that those that I am grateful for and appreciates me know how I truly feel about them because not to tell your friends you treasure them and their love, is tragic. And I do not like tragedies, my friends will just not put up with that.

Thank you to all my friends out there and for putting up with my nonsense. You all know I am there when it really counts; just like you are there for me when I need a shoulder to cry on or just someone to listen to my ramblings and share my greatest achievements and episodes of happiness.

Friendship - if you are fortunate to find just even one in this lifetime, you are one lucky rascal! Keep up the good work. Happy Friendship Week!

Revisiting old friends....

It seems ironic that when I am at the lowest point in my personal love life - true friends tell me they wish me well in my ordeal. They wish me to be strong and that they are just there should I need someone to listen to me and my worries. One tends to forget the bonds we have with people that are always there for us, never forgetting us. They remember us always, we just sometimes tend to forget the old friendships and always searching for new ones.

These last week I have seen friends that have expressed sorrow for what I am going through. They feel sad that I am sad. They want to give me courage because I am down. They want to cheek me up because I am "not smiley face". They tell me that the answer to life's troubles are just in our hearts, we just have to listen to it with an open mind. My friends are true to the friendship we have forged all these years, I was just remiss in my part in keeping in touch and making sure I nuture those friendships. They understand me. I am humbled by their love for me. They are unselfish, non-judgemental and supportive of the biggest life lesson I am about to learn.

To all my female friends they know what an ordeal this up hill battle I am against. They know I have it in me to get through this. They believe in me. For whatever I might have done to get myself in this crossroads of my life, they know that I am responsible and will hold myself accountable for whatever I have done. I have to face that squarely now.

Thank you to all of you out there, my friends both new and old. Thank you for believing in me. Now the biggest task of all time is to get me to be convinced that I can do this, and take that step towards healing. Though the pain to raw right now, there is no other time to start than now.

Tomorrow might just be a day too late.

Fridays are the pits

You know how some people detest Mondays? Well, as much as people keep asking "Is it Friday yet?" or "Thank God it's Friday!" I am at the other end of the fence on this one - I do not like Fridays.

I used to look forward to them but that was ages ago. So far away were those days that they seem like a different lifetime ago. It is hard to remember those nights and days anymore. It is hard to remember good times when tough times are still up ahead.

Today is Friday, so I feel like I am in the pits today. It will get better, I keep telling myself that. Coz to think otherwise would really make my knees buckle and I think I will faint. Things can only be better from where I am standing from right now, but I have to brace myself for what lies before me. It does not seem clear and there are more questions than answer. The day of reckoning will come and I know it will a moment in my life that will be etch in my mind for the rest of my life. I will be strong when that moment of reckoning comes and things will get better. I believe in that.

To say that I am suffering at this time is correct but I am also struggling with the fact that when your heart is broken in to pieces it is a herculean task to put the shattered pieces together and they somehow do not fit, I guess it is hard to do this with tears still in your eyes.

I know when that moment I heard my heart break I will remember the sound forever. I keep hearing it when I am engulfed in silence and then the loud sound comes back to mind. It is never easy to go through this.

I know now that in any relationship that is facing trouble that both people involved play a role in the state of their affairs. No one is a passive participant in this thing called love. If you react, you are involved. If you do not react your inaction is still a reaction. Love is all about reactions and you are what your reaction is. If I only knew then what I know now, I would have been going through a different experience right now. But again, experience is what you go through in the moment that you need to learn something, never before.

I sigh alot now. Nothing takes my breath like a moment of peace where for a split second I smile and then laugh, I treasure those stolen moments, a moment of pure pleasure and no pain of any kind.

Fridays used to be fun and exciting, they are no longer. All I have are memories of great shared moments of those good ol' Fridays. I look forward to better Fridays, it will be awhile before that happens but I still look forward to it. To think otherwise will just make me burst into tears again. And tomorrow will be another day, Saturday.I like any other day just not Friday at this time.... the sun will come up and life will go on....Life like love you have to roll with the punches and sometimes I get bruised but never defeated. It is just darn difficult at this time...

See ya next time. Be good to one another....

Where....

......where.... do I go from here?

You see, every night as I lay down to sleep I say my prayers just like I have always done since I was five years old. As I clasp my hands together with closed eyes and with all my heart I express to the higher power that I appreciate my blessings and my gratitude for each single day. Tears included.

Everyone I love was kept safe today, I smile when I say that. I pray for strength and for the pain to ease in my heart. I pray that tomorrow will be better than today. I thank Him for Love, pain and all. I know He is good but sometimes my prayers do not come out as I wish they should.

There is a reason for why things are different.

But above all I pray that I see light as to where I am to go after all these....

I humbly seek peace in my heart (and one day very soon) I will find it.

I still pray...

Healing Spiritually

As I write this post today, I am thinking, it sure feels very good to be in a better spiritual place when you do not think only of yourself. That everything and everyone is not here to serve and be of service to you, but rather you are there to be of service to those that are around you. Life takes on a bigger meaning when thought of like that.

As I am feeling this, I decided to write that after my May 1st post, I have come to declare that sometimes when one feels the pain and ache of a hurting hurt, the pain is a sign of healing. One's forgiveness of oneself is the toughest to achieve, we are tougher on ourselves than we are to whom we love. Healing is a process that is as different to everyone, as each person is. Every unresolved issue you have of yourself affects how you relate to others and directly affects every single relationship you might potentially have and might already be in. I have come to appreciate the pain that I had experienced. It taught me that hurting is a human experience and it showed me that I am not exempt from it, no matter how hard I try. That hurting is what makes human remember that as long as we revolve around other humans, intentional or not, we are vulnerable to hurt, in all and every level. I found that crying helps but one should not seek comfort in there; it is better to grab your boot straps, stand up and face what LIFE is dealing you. One is never too old to grow up and be taught a life lesson. It is a humbling experience and I am fortunate to have gone through. Not everyone is afforded this chance to grow up, but when one does, take the oppotunity to learn something new about yourself and about life. There are not life lessons learned in victory most life alterning lessons are learned during moments of defeat (but we should not make a habit of loosing!).

To accept everything bad and not so desirable things about me, is my first step towards healing. I cannot be a perfect person, nor I can ever aspire to be one, so I try to be the best that I can be. I have noticed how calmer I am, after the abyss that I fell into and eventually got myself out of, after my broken heart..I do not know how to explain it but my moment of clarity came when I least expected it - and I smile as I think that tomorrow will be another day and I should live everyday as it was meant to be - a PRESENT, appreciate it for each day is special and most especially - not over think it, Life I mean.

Good things and great presents come in very small packages, I sure have learned that, the hard way.

No regrets.

May 1st 2009

I have been gone again for a long time, but I am back. I love posting after a long absence. I miss the ritual.

My trip was a healing process and I have learned alot during this trip. Spending time with my father was an spiritual enrichment experience. It was humbling to go through the whole process of stripping the layers of years of trying to self-protect and hence creating all sorts of barrier that can make any relationship I would have and had encountered effective and lasting.

I would like to think that I am on the lifetime road of recovery. I have to heal myself every now and again.

The only consolation I had in all this is that I went to church to celebrate finding the new me. I am happier now in mind and body after this 26day journey of self-revelation. My faith has given me comfort that I have not sought but have found and for that I am grateful.

It is never too late to learn about how to better one's self. There is always room of improvement and life is journey to be the best person you can be. I understand that now and I do not think it is too late to be on that road in search for happiness and joy.

I read alot during this trip, reflected often and meditated anytime I could. It energized me, and I can feel it still.

Next posting I will show you what I have been keeping myself busy with (food related) since I got back.

It is great to be back (sigh). I missed California.

Tomorrow the sun will rise like always and promise us another new day....