tada da da dan dan...where everybody knows MY name...

Yesterday, I was all around town doing errands. And it was just like any other ordinary California Monday, except as the day progressed, I felt alot lighter - happier even. Please allow me to share with you why.

When I am in the US, my frame of mind is different than if I were anywhere else. I have lived here more than half of my life and I see people around town that take the time to remember me and let us be honest about it - when people remember you by name or take the time to ask for your name - by golly it feels good!

Okay, I go to the bank and everyone I know asks me about my weekend. Cora said I looked very good parting my hair in the middle. At the post office - the person that helped me asked me to close my eyes because she liked the way I did my eyeshadow application. When I went to a grocery store, the cashier said - if I forgot to buy Snapple (she remembered the flavor I prefer), I told her I was there to get something else. I went to Target, the guy I buy my phone minutes from says he recognizes me from previous visits and can help me in the electronics department since there was a long line with the cashiers up front.

My makeup purveyor was asking me when I am leaving again for my next trip. My hairdresser knows almost everything there is to know about me and my hair. The cook at my new Mexican taco stand - Rolando - knows that when I buy something there - I like my order with just a little bit of sour cream and loads of guac, and never with extras I do not like on my rolled taquitos.

I have friends here who gets worried when I am in town and I do not call them to meet for coffee or lunch or visit their house or something. I like the feeling that I have people around me that know my name.

It feels good, it feels very, very good to have all these acquaintances and friends around me. My friend, Missy, gets reall worried when I do not spend time with her and the kiddies. Funny Missy.

I like being in California. Being here makes me feel good.

I can hear the the diddy go...tada da da dan dan...where everybody knows your name...

Things are looking up.

Great moments of our lives never return.

Sometimes we tend to just focus on what is not happening that we fail to see what we have actually accomplished and are capable of accomplishing.

John Lennon said - Life is what happens when we are busy making plans. How true that is. We over plan, we over think and we miss what our life has to offer. I miss that point sometimes and so it gives me great comfort when reality pokes me at time to remind me to get on with the living.

As I get older I tend to really forget all the great times that I had in the past, it happens to me subconsciously, for I do not make an effort to forget. I just simply... forget.

A testament to my not living in the past, I guess - which can be a good thing or a bad thing depending on how you see or interpret it - but to me, it is a good thing. I resolve that since great moments in life never return, I just make new great moments today and then be really there at that very moment when it happens in the future.

I do not linger on what might have been anymore or where the blame lies and why things are happening they way they do around me - even if it saddens me. I have discovered that in my case bad memory is a blessing. I am not speaking about bad times in life -we all have those but what I am referring to are the good times as well. Good times in the past should remain there - untouch and untainted, and forgotten. They were great during that moment but it will never happen again. So why live there or why relive it? For what purpose?

We are here amongst the living to make memories for the living not for the past. It might sound cold to others but if you really think about it - it is today and now that matters; for it will pave for the good memories for tomorrow and if we ever forget - we still hold on not to the fading memories but the wonderful feeling that will surely last us a lifetime. That is what I am talking about.

Please note that I am not talking about history here - this is just plain personal memories we are talking about.

I have had some great memories in my past and I am for life grateful for them but I would like to make new happier great memories from this point forward.

A wise advise given to me goes like this - In life, beginnings are usually scary and endings are usually sad, but it is what is in the middle that counts the most. I think in the middle of it all, we are given numerous and endless chances to create great memories with different people, places and time and we should do it over and over again - create new great memories, I mean.

The old great memories will never return and it is for the best I believe because then maybe if we keep reliving memories in the past we will stop making new opportunities for ourselves and for others to create new ones. For anything short of what has not happened yet - might not be good enough and so why even try - so in that sense we already failed.

Here's to new great memories!

Autumn is officially here..

Oh trust me on this...autumn is here.

After weeks and weeks of intense heat, yesterday it drizzled in Southern California. And as soon as the first droplets started falling I headed home - let's face it Californians do not know how to drive in the rain. And last night it was cool night breeze that was blowing the drapes in my bedroom. I slept a slumber night. It felt good.

As my goodbye to summer or '09, I celebrated with a very nice cold Sapporo beer - now that was a delight. And I had with that a pollo asado torta - with guacamole and lettuce. Delightful and delicious dinner. I think I licked my lips twice and my fingers once. It was good to say goodbye to summer.

And autumn had a nice start. Time to change wardrobe, as always. But let it be said that I am one of those who even in the dead cold of winter I am walk around with open- toed sandals.

Autumn means leaves will start falling soon and the trees will change color, always a spectacular sight. And then Halloween will come ...the holidays are just around the corner. And this year I choose to be the happiest I have ever been during these time of year. I have almost forgotten how much fun I used to have during the months of October all the way to December.

It will be the best months of 2009 yet.

Autumn a time of change and I welcome that.

I too believe....Happiness is a Choice

I have been "recovering" these last week or so from an incident that had brought me deep sadness.

Allow me to give you an insight on why it is taking me longer to get over this particular incident - I believe I was misjudged. Not for what I had said but for what I was perceived to have meant with what was said. There lies the agony of where my heart hopes to hurdle and get past.

Things have been said and could never be taken back. Where scars used to be, now new wounds take their place.

Now it brings me to this post...I believe Happiness is a Choice. And I declare that I do not believe in happy endings, not anymore. I just work on having as many happy days as I can. I strive to surround myself with the love that is not there to measure or judge me for what is perceived to be my shortcomings bu judge me (if it really needs to be done) for what I really am, for what I really say and what I really mean with what I say.

Simple really yet very profound, Happiness is a choice.

And as much as I choose to be happy, sometimes I have to be part of other's unhappiness, unfortunately by association.

And sometimes, I too suffer because of other's unhappiness -misery loves company as they say.

But I keep telling my self, the choice is mine and I should not loose focus on that. And I take that choice. I want to be happy, simple happiness. No agony and no heartbreaking misjudgements. There is nothing worst than telling another person how short they came to one's expectation; or so I thought - until it happened to me, and there is indeed a worst part to that - is that for a short period of time I believed it. That deepened my sadness.

I will keep on working on just having happy and very good days. Happy endings are just what fairytales say at the end to nicely tie the story in a neat and pretty bow. In real life, dog eat dog. It is tough making it here and sometimes, I just have to take a very deep sigh, exhale and make the resolution that those who choose to be unhappy are people that are not for me. I choose to be happy.

I could not avoid being unhappy at times, but as a rule, I will not let unhappiness be the norm of me anymore.

The best thing about being single is, you have to take stock of yourself and do it on your own. No one is expecting anything from me. I need not excel for others, I have to excel only for me. If I can look at myself in the mirror every morning without shame, I know I am a decent person. Misjudged or not - my conscience is clean, I can live with that.

If other's expectation of me are not met, maybe they were not clear to me or to them from the very beginning. Cannot do anything about that.

To be misjudged is the most hurtful thing a sane person can undergo. It is agonizing to even attempt to explain oneself. Sometimes, we just close doors and pretend somethings never happened but deep down it is still there. i still hurts.

People grow distant and cold, and it is not because of no reason, there is a reason. We just have to know our part in it. And sometimes, we grow past it. Other times, we grow further apart because of it. No happy endings, like I said.

Just another happy day for me, and so far that has been enough to get me through. Tough but I'll live. Happiness is a choice.

My latest post

I will take a few more days off from blogging. I am just so weary of having to apologize and being sorry all the time, and rather than posting a long rant and rave about how I feel here. I will try to snap myself out of it before I blog ever again.

Best of luck of everyone out there.

Another day will be fading out for now.

Why...

• do we think that keeping silent is a sure way of telling someone something?
• do people say it has to be broken to be fixed?
• do cracks count as being broken?
• do we always say - look at it from my point of view?
• does it take a moment of anger for us to reveal the truth?
• do we seek perfection on things we cannot control?
• do we think we have to hear an apology in order to forgive or be forgiven?
• do we think with our hearts and not with our minds?
• do our feelings get in the way of thinking rationally?
• do we need to explain if we are misunderstood?
• do we think that there is an answer/solution to every question/problem out there?

It is OK....

• to have 15 different color nail polishes and still stick to your go-to fave.. Passion Mango.
• to just let a day go by and never take a second to look at the clock.
• to wink back when someone winks at you. Politeness counts.
• to share a makeup secret/tip when someone asks for it.
• that everything is not about you, not about me, but not about you.
• to paint your lips red in a gesture of defiance.
• to be a little more tolerant to those who do not understand the reason behind Obama's determination to get USA (Americans) healthcare coverage - every single one of those that qualify.
• to just shut the world out one day a year (two if you really need the extra day).
• tell a friend you are sorry (and mean it) for not planning that lunch she so look forward to having with you.
• to think why and how we want to save another person from going through what we had undergone and didn't like. It's called compassion, I think.
• just to let go of bad feelings. Its weighty to be carrying that junk around.

Today was indeed a much better day than yesterday. For I chose to do just what I needed to have done. That usually works mighty fine for me.

Good weather is slated for the weekend, enjoy.

Neither here nor there....

Today was one of the most horrible days I have ever had in a very long time.

Waiting for the Fedex delivery that was to have arrived at 10:30am, did not go as well as expected, and that is putting it mildly. There has been a decline in Fedex service and I can say that it has been declining both in punctuality in delivery and customer service in general. Had I not called at 12:20 pm to ask where the package is , no one had bothered to call the very number we are all required to give when we send a package. How aggravating is that! And that is not the problem - I get the mockameme excuse of the weather in Memphis Tenn. , look like I care. So I listen to the poor shmuck assigned to pick up the phone and answer my call - I give you I was courteous all this time. So I wait - and I said can wait for a couple more hours since I was advised that because of the delay the 10:30am delivery MAYBE delivered before 7 in the "afternoon", okeey...or the latest I was told was going to be TOMORROW - how splendid is that, huh? Needless to say I have been religiously tracking the package online...you know at FEDEXscrewmeover.com....and WHAM! at 1:40pm they said (per the driver) that he tried to deliver and NO ONE was home. That was when steam started coming off my eyes and I can feel blood rushing to my cheeks and head. I was now mad! This is war!

I called the 1800-FEDEXplsscrewmeagain number and was still trying to be sarcastically calm (honey vs vinegar methaphor came to mind) and I went on like an AK47! It was okay for the weather delay , nothing we can do about that - BUT to LIE and say that I was not waiting for the package - hey-dipstick - I was in front of the building waiting for that freakin' truck to pull up - no one did -so do not lie to me. .I lost it. It is totally unacceptable to have me sit and wait for 6hrs but to lie about me doing it -now that is just nasty, and I did not put up with it, and never will. Nobody messes with me when it comes to the real truth because I will not put up with that crappola!

I wanted that driver to comeback and redeliver the package.

I tried to calm myself down and when the driver showed up - I almost skinned him alive. I told him he lied and that I am not putting up with that. All the four letter words I know came spewing out and I believe that told him exactly how mad I was.

I would not want to experience this again. And Fedex always does this. Late deliveries (happened to me also last year around February) and drivers that lie about making the attempts to deliver. I puked my guts out after the incident, I was so upset. Just not worth it, the aggravation, the we-do-not-care attitude was stressing me out. My back is in knots and I am still light headed.
And where do I give my customer satisfaction report - they know exactly where they can stuff that - exactly where the sun will never shine - for when that driver was standing there in front of me lying through his teeth, I was so tempted to stick my foot up his arse...but I thought he was not worth dirtying my 3 dollar flip-flops! Scumbag! FEDEX can just take their business and shove it up their.....you get the idea.

One day of my life I will never get back. And when you get to be old like me a nice day wasted waiting for the FEDEX guy to do what you pay them to do, is well, a day lost.

There is justice in this world and they will get their just dessert.

thank you for listening and if you have a choice do not use FEDEX - there are other options UPS, DHL, anything but the FEDEX aka FEDUP!

Can we talk?

There is something that I need to ask...Can we talk?

Is it September...already?!

Time does go by so quickly. I can still vividly recalling the very day I tried to put up the 2009 Christmas tree in Argentina and now....in a couple of months I will be putting up another tree for Xmas '09 - phew!

Loving the line from "Ferris Beuller's Day Off " movie - I dare not blink because I do not want life to pass me by. (Wonderful movie about growing up, btw.)

It is hellishly hot and excruciatingly humid in California these last several weeks. There is the Big Fire up north and the monsoon typhoons down the coast of Baja, August was dry but September in California (Southern) has always been dry (no rain), such a combustible combination for wildfires. We hope not!

On a lighter note (trying to see the positive in all these negatives), a nice bottle of my newly discovered Canadian brew is just the key to quench my evening thirst, one bottle only a day, none on the weekends.

Mexican food (carnitas with flour tortilla and guac sauce/sour cream, or 2 beef tacos with real mexican rice) is just what I recommend with this brew. Yummy! Glug-glug, Gulp!

I also found a nice cold drink - Mucho Mango - another thirst quencher.

Do not get me started on the ice cream, please. Ben and Jerry's came out with loads of new summer flavor as well, but so far I have been re-acquainting myself with the classics only. A small bowl after a nice dinner, is just the ticket to cool off before going to bed.

I try to do all my errands early morning or late afternoon, it is all about timing ya know. My attempt to avoid intense dizzying heat everyday.

September - I am starting to like it already. I think in a few days Labor Day will be here and you know what that means - SALES at the mall!!

I am liking this month more and more. No point in suffering the heat, I am thinking if I go out often enough, my tan will be perfect by the time Halloween gets around. And who doesn't want that?

September is here - and it will only bearound for 27 more days. And then November will be here...don't even get me talking about November....

For now and today, it is another day, and that is the way we like it - one day at a time.

Take care

A very warm summer night..and I am mad.

It is Friday and I am ok with it. It is warm, very warm and so I sit by the window to catch some breeze and I get on the infobahn (please do not say surf the net, it is so 90's!).

DISCLAIMER : What I am about to write about are my own personal opinions and not attack on one single person, country or group of people. And the last time I checkec, I am still entitled to express my opinion on my blog. So warning - if you do not like what I am about to write here - CAN IT!

As usual old habits kick in when I am in front of my computer. I Google some words and BAM! I caught a good blog topic. And listen to this, someone in Argentina complaining about corruption in the "the good old USA" her words not mine. From the gist of it, I take it she is in Argentina - she marvels the pristine state of affairs there I guess that she was ranting and raving about computer software and how she/her partner is about to be duped by "scumbag #1 and #2" again her choice of words, not mine. Does she know what she is talking about, corruption is EVERY-frikin-where. And just because is now card carrying resident of Argentina she waves that card and disses USA? WTF?!

I mean talk about the guys that lie to you, like you always do, and how great your friends are in there...but pickin' on the US just because 2 people want to scam you does not constitute fairness and sound mind, now, does it?

What about if I start lambasting Mexico and how rude the people are just because 2 guys cut me off the freeway - is that fair, is that sound? Now give me a break. I am starting to think that those that left the US are ...what is the word I am looking for ...BITTER!!!! You know who you are.

There are people here in the "good old USA" that are barely making it, just like in Argentina. There are corrupt people there in Argentina just like there are here in the US, but to exhalt your "adopted' country in exchange of the USA is - a stretch now isn't it?

It is sad really when a professed intelligent woman gets carried away by her emotions and starts putting down a country like the US of A (the 10th wealthiest country in the world in 2009). I wonder when was the last time you bagged some of your clothes and money to give to those that need them - holier than thou you are.

People get on their blog and talk smack about the USA. Give me a break! Have you looked at the lines at every US Embassy anywhere in the world, people are lining up to enter this 'good old US of A'. I wonder why....to get corrupt I guess right?

Wow, when the cold weather starts freezin' ya brain out, it must be really cold down there for this person to talk like everyone in the US is corrupt. And do not get me riled up coz dammit it is hot in here and I am about ready to explode when someone talks smack about the US.

You are happy in Argentina - good for you. But to talk trash about the US, you watch out you might just be on a list when you try to enter the US one of these days - and for that I wish you - good luck.

Glad I got that off my chest.

Nail Polish

One would think ...why such mandane choice of topic (Nail Polish) right? But hear this....when one finds something other women get jealous about - we (I really) stick it to them and stick it to them hard (stick your tongue out here).

Since having declared myself single (as R would agree wholeheartedly!) and out there, I have taken a liking to painting my nails with the most outrageous, bright and hot colors (the more sheen the better) nail polish can provide. Listen, I have decided I am not into the flaunt that cleavage deal (got them - and they are real) nor am I ever going to wear short, tight and tucked short skirts or anything like that. I also decided bright and flashy blue eyeshadow is out and so is using Russian Red lipstick so that leaves me with nails - nail polish to be exact.

Colors like Talk to Me, Gorgeous, Big Red Apple and the likes are really my new love. The brighter the blue, the redder the red, the lucious purple and the outlandish green are beautiful!

And here is the best part, since I started painting my nails ( I have real and decent length) these colors, I get compliments from both man and women. I even had a woman who was driving in another car next to me - motion what great nail color I had - now how is that for compliment. I mean green is the new red ladies.

Your imagination is the only thing that would limit you in this regard, and I love the attention. Guys take a second look when I point at something and I have - damn girl - purple nails. You gotta love it!

But today in honor of keeping it real as well, I have my nails painted - PINK - soft and cute pink. Tomorrow....who knows...I thought that Mango Orange was also attractive - gotta give that a try.

Nail Polish can really help you paint the town RED.

See ya...

Southern California si HOT but it has always been...love it.

Five ingredients..

I am seriously considering making this into a foodie blog...NOT!

But today, as I was in search of the newest flavor out there in ice creams...I think I have moved a step closer to naming a favorite.

Welcome to my review of Haagan -Dazs FIVE.

So there I was at the grocery and as always my last stop before heading to the self-checkout part of the store - the ICE CREAM section. You know the rhyme...you scream, I scream, we all scream for Ice Cream! So there I was, oogling over the newest flavors between Ben and Jerry's and Haagan-Dazs. I love B 'n J, do not get me wrong - but I wanted something NEW-er! A few days ago I got the B 'n J Green Tea ice cream and it is as always delicious and glorious as I remembered it but my insatiable need for something else prevailed - thus the FIVE!

FIVE stands for the basic ingredients in the Haagan Dazs new line of ice cream, it is 4 main ingredients PLUS the fruit/flavor (in my case Passion Fruit - LOVE!!). The packaging was simple (white with gold letters), very classic in text and the picture of passion fruit is just perfect (a half of a fruit on the lower right hand side of the front portion of the pint container) red peel with the yellow with black center seeds. Lucious even, I dare add.

I had to wait until after dinner to have a nice 1/2 a bowl of it. I got the ice cream mid morning, in case you were wondering. I wanted something special for dessert after dinner.

So after opening, the pint was full to the brim and it smelled reallly goood...scoop after scoop I placed some unto my bowl and then without further ado I took my first teaspoonful taste. Man oh man, the texture was smooth. I can taste the passion fruit (tart, tangy a bit but still creamy smooth with a tinge of sugar), I can smell the citrusy fruit even - the milk was of very good quality and the sugar was just right (not too sweet - we hate ice cream that is just loaded with sugar!)

Milk + cream+ sugar+ egg PLUS flavor - simple ingredients but one of the best ice creams I have tasted so far, okay, ever.

FIVE comes in 7 various flavors (vanilla bean, passion fruit, brown sugar, coffee, ginger, milk chocolate, mint).

R, these babies are very good. Much better than Persicco's and getting up there to Munchi's quality. Argentina's got very good ice cream but I think Haagan Dazs is catching up with this line and fast.

They were on sale for $3.99 a pint but well worth the price, it was that good. And by the looks of what was left on the freezer shelves these are popular items on a hot or a humid summer day like today.

Ice cream - who doesn't love them huh? It always brings a smile to one's face but today I had a big grin on mine.

R, this would be on your list next time you visit. It ain't Munchi's yet - but one I am happy to see some progress in the ice cream indulgence section of my grocery store. On that sweet note, I say Haagan Dazs gets my vote on this new FIVE ! Summer and ice cream what could be better than that?!

California is good...

Okay, i give you it is HOT in Southern California but I can feel the love. And honestly, I take love anytime!

Here I am 8 days after my last post. Things have been buzzing and I was busy as a bee. There were stuff to do. R visited you know and things can move pretty fast when you are on someone else's schedule and disposal.

Please do not get me wrong I was more than happy to help a friend. The drives were no problem, I love driving in California. It is good!

Food has been very, very good. I mean Japanese food any chance we get. Bento boxes, fresh sushi for lunch (tuna, cucumber and salmon with avocado), some goddamn good Colorado beer (I cannot say here because then I have to you know...killya..) in a hot summer's night, some real stuff sake, mexican food, fish taco with guac...., japanese crackers, I mean good stuff! Oh and the pizza with salad and garlic bread - man!

So here I am now winding down. As I sit here and sip my organic green tea, I think friends with R was a good move, no demands and no expectations. In short I cannot make a mistake in this kind of a relationship, it is just pure and clean on my part, and friends are always a very good thing to have in life.

R and I got to talk some and for anything else, he knows (God I hope he does) that I will always be there for him and will always love him but I cannot make demands of him anymore and I am okay with that. We are better than we ever were - like he said - one cannot have the cake and eat it too. How true, how true! And on that note, I say THANK YOU R for giving me yet the chance to show you that I can be a very good friend.

Smiles from Southern California and if you are reading this before the weekend, Sorry but I must go to the japanese food court before the weekend - just got that edamame craving. :-) Cheers!

See you guys later!

Top 9 reasons Buenos Aires is not for you..

Number 9: You cannot get over the fact that there are "dogs" all over the sidewalks of BsAs.
Number 8: You must have a medialuna each time you pass by a confiteria
Number 7 : You are sick and tired on the shortage of coins
Number 6: You always ask for "but where is the cottage cheese?"
Number 5 : You have the most conversation you have with yourself when you are driving the PanAmericana.
Number 4: "What do you mean there is no tuna rolls?"
Number 3 : Rats! No parking, again!
Number 2 : You go to Munchi's everytime you feel unloved.
Number 1 reason Buenos Aires is not for you....You miss Mitsuwa and Nijiya every time weekend comes around.

Back in California

Phew! It is sweltering hot in California. I am presently enjoying the oh-so-d'lish japanese food in California, my cold beer, my chips but boy oh boy - it is hot in here!

Well, I am finally back in California. There were phonecalls to make, people to see,things to do and food to enjoy - but so far so good. I sleep well at night with an open window mind you, but all is well.

Snapples and Green tea are my main drink and Aquafina is never too far away either. California is good.

Some serious cleaning needs to be done around the house but I think I will have someone else do that this Friday - all set and scheduled as a matter of fact, THANKS Missy!

Walmart is as always a good place to pass time. You would not believe how much fun I had looking for cleaning supplies. I love Walmart!

This week went by so fast, I got here on the 4th and my days are packed with lots of things TO DO.

There were some changes that I had to adapt to like my hairstylist moved coz the place she worked for had a major fire and they had to close. I called her on her cell phone and scheduled a hairtrim. She now works for a very nice salon. good location really. My japanese restaurant of choice that was next to the salon was also closed for a few weeks due to smoke damage, so now I have to make the drive to an alternative japanese food joint. Oh well the things we have to do to get what we crave.

I am trying to adjust to some changes here at home as well, but I am taking it one day at a time, makes it more manageable that way. :-)

I have friends to call this weekend to say HI to. Hopefully a nice dinner or weekend get together would be great.

Just wanted to tell everyone who follow me here that I am now in phew-it-is-hot in California! But I am loving it!

Have a safe weekend everyone!

Go Sotomayor! Girl power! She rock!

I leave Argentina on Monday...and others

After 2 more nights, I will be leaving Argentina. I do not know if I should feel sad but I know that R and I are doing the right thing. There is the element of the unknown and after years of planning my life toooo much, I have the opportunity to do what is right for this moment and this moment alone. There is the adventure excitement in that.

I knew I will never be able to put things in 100% order before I leave but I am again grateful that R will help me sort some or most of what is left behind so they will get to my final destination (namely 10 boxes).

The city abode in BsAs will need a good cleaning and stuff have to be taken to where the rest of the boxes are - but there is just no time or was there ever a convenient time to do this (remember the heater fiasco!) well...again I am so grateful R will sort this end for me. Thanks a million R!

Last night the gang of 3 (me included) went to the Barrio Chino to have a nice Chinese dinner, I love that place, good food too.

And as soon as I got home I checked my emails and found out that an ex-president of the Philippines, Corazon Cojuangco-Aquino passed away. She was battling colon cancer. I have some very vivid memories of what she meant to me and the symbol of hope and change for the Philippines after the tumultous 70's and 80's. The first time I voted was when she was running against Marcos. She won. The social activist in me was sparked by her words and I believe I was ever the same "princess" again after those last years in college. It was a social awareness awakening that I will treasure forever. I do not know her personally and there are some rumors about discontent in her haciendas in Tarlac, but for today I would like to think of one of the few people who have helped influence the person that I am today. She brought the country together (the Philippines) when they needed it the most. For that, she had lived up to the dream (for awhile) of her late husband Ninoy Aquino. Rest in Peace Cory and thank you for caring for the Pinoys! You are in better hands now....

Catching cold..

Okay so I am in Argetina and I have been sneezing and my nose is dripping and watery eyes with body aches - Swine flu you are thinking right? NOT!!

After all these cold weather, I have been lucky to deflect the symptoms of a cold until last night. I slept with a very flimpsy blanket, for I was lazy to unfurl my goosedown blanket, and with shivers and shaking going on the last night - I paid the piper - I have a cold! Rats!!

I took some good old USA meds and popped a couple of anti-allergy medicine and I am feeling just about great right now. I feel sleepy yet wanted to post this before I go to sleep and my ever reliable 10% alcohol night medicine should cure me by the morning. Usually I would ask for a double shot of whisky or bourbon for a cold like this ( I call it my ABORT the cold cure!) but since I have none my 10% should do it.

I will zonk out tonight and would not hear anything unless the ground opens up and swallows me whole. Good night zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz....

I have learned that...

• History also starts Now.
• I need to be careful what I wish for - there is that equalizer called Murphy's law.
• Think and re-think before your open your mouth.
• No matter how old I get, any news about children dying still pains my heart.
• It is okay to dream even if in reality it will never happen. It just feels good to dream it anyway.
• I am grateful for all the moments a friend can spend with me. For I can never guarantee a tomorrow, only today.
• It keeps me warm knowing that I have had the best of times with you.
• I smile the biggest when I am the saddest.
• I never regretted anything that I had done. If any my regrets are for the things I did not get to do.
• I need to travel to get outside my life's bubble.
• I like to keep things very REAL, no pretenses and no lies.
• Fridays and 22nds got to be emotionally manageable in time.
• I am no longer in pain when I can think of something or someone and I shed no tears.
• I will always my Mama Edna. I still cry when I think about her.
• My weakness and source of strength are one and the same.
• Prayers are always answered. I just have to be listening even when the answer is NO.
• To let someone in your heart also means you have to be your kindest when they want out.
• Humility is an essential trait to fight anger, resentment and bitterness.
• It is best to be thankful for your blessings than just counting them.
• Never hug someone unless your heart means it.
• Bidding someone goodbye is giving them the space to grow.
• Change is good, not easy, but it is good.

Singing and humming is an outlet for me so I do not curse (say bad words). So next time you hear me sing or hum, it might not be that tune you recognize because it is so peppered with f%#@&*^ bad words.....(I always wanted to do that) :-)

Three days later...this is a Friday.

I am okay with Fridays now. I have passed ALL that. There is a new shining and promising horizon before me. I will focus on that.

Nothing will keep me down or make me feel defeated. I will make myself happy and no matter what tries to stand between me and what I would want to do, I will just find other source of happiness that will make me not sweat it. Little things are not worth the aggravation and the thinking that YOUR WAY is what needs to be done, life - my life at least has changed leaps and bounds on that - and I am happy to say, I am exactly on the path that I want to be. I am happy today, this particular Friday. Today I have found that nothing can keep this baby down. I have really evolved into a much better ME, and I like what I see of who I am.

I will not argue with anyone, not worth it, sooo not worth it. Let it slide, things will happen in their own due time and if they don't - well...

I have also discovered lately that making plans and being unflexible about it is a big stress factor in life, and this girl is not ever going that road again.

I have better skin now (we all know how important that is!) and I am sure it is all due to the decreased level of I-must-have-it-my-way attitude. Now I just smile and consider it a lesson about ME learned. Life is too short to worry about how many points I am ahead of the next person. Just not so worth it, really.

Three days later from my last post and here I am again, on a Friday - and I'm fine, so fine. Things are looking up!!

Relaxing is either over rated or under rated - but one thing is for sure - people just need to learn how to CHILL!!

Have a great weekend ya all! It has been a lot of learning this week, and so far, so good.

Ciao.

What I like about you....

..is you really know how to dance!
..you hold me tight...
..you whisper into my ear...you tell me things that I want to hear...
...you keep me warm at night...
Remember the song by The Ramones?
I will only think about the things that I like about you. And for that I will always hear the great harmonica playing in the background - good stuff. Happy stuff.
Cloudy skies but the sun took a peek at me today - nice!

..and when it rains, it pours!

I think after last Saturday's post, I was in for a very wet weekend.

It is Tuesday and it is raining. Loud rashing thunder and sky flashing bright lightnings this morning! Scary, really.

It was just soaking day today in Buenos Aires. And here I thought, well Sunday without the sun can happen but continous whole day of raining was quite something. It kept me indoors and finally finished boxing 2 more of my packing boxes, and now we are down to 8 boxes. I am getting there.

Maybe 2 more trips from where "these stuff" are coming from will finish the job. The rain made me finish my packing, so in the silver lining of it all, it was a productive day for packing. Aside from that - not much!!

Okay, I am going to go get myself a kick a** coffee coz I have a ginormous (giantic and enormous) headache and I think it need a good caffeine fix!

See ya tomorrow!

Drizzle does not make rain!

It was gloomy today, but the sunshine to this story is that I got boots today...yipee! Lovely and comfy ones. I got them at this...no I cannot tell you..coz then I have to kill ya!! HAHAHAHA..really!

Boots and lots of other stuff - leather and loved them all.

Then in the afternoon it started - what was looming in the gray skies today - drizzle. The one thing that is nice about a drizzle is that - you think you do not need an umbrella. It is just a slight showering so to speak but cumulatively if you are out in the drizzle long enough you will get soaking wet, just like or as if you walked out in the rain. Did some errands in the late afternoon but no fish today - the fish monger was out fishing, I guess, jk (just kidding!).

Most of what I had on my list I was able to get even a couple of the 2 wines that I have been eyeing to buy but cannot seem to find in Buenos Aires.

RE: packing - I am dragging my feet. Not! I just had to get some more to-be boxed items. And more trips to follow.

Weekend is here and I am looking forward to the next 2 weeks more in Argentina. I have to get past these changes and they are extra ordinary changes, and I am dealing with it, with a smile.

Have a very good weekend everyone!

Today is Thursday...

It is still cold and breezy 50plus km. outside of Buenos Aires. When it is cold in BsAs, it is even colder here. And when it is warm in BsAs, it is also warmer here. I guess being out in the open spaces does that to the temperature outside. Have been loving the nice weather these last couple of days. But I give you this - it drizzled yesterday. It was a nice showering here and there though.

I have also learned that a high school friend of mine went to California but alas I was not there. She was just 2 hours drive from where I would have been. Argh! You know sometimes "the stars are not aligned" to make things happen the way I would want them to, and that is life - so be it! She is Arlene and I always loved here in high school. Our fathers, were grade school and high school classmates like we were - and we loved and ate up all the stories both our fathers told us about their escapades. We never told our own stories - now if those walls could talk, man! But when I am in her neck of the woods we always go out to dinner. She is a teacher, and a great mom to boot! She is a surgeon's wife. She is so down to earth kind of person. She can also be so strong - just like me. I guess that is why we are very good friends. Her father passed away years ago and my father attended the wake (one night) but could never gather the courage to attend the funeral - it was tough to let go of life long friends. My father still recalls those good times with his friend, and I am so fortunate to be listening to those stories still.

Arlene is visiting family and friends (hers and husband's) and I would have loved to have shown here my "playground". Maybe next time - I am sure she will feel bad I wasn't there to be with her - but she understands but yet it is not the same, you know?

I will seek her out again when I get to her "jungle". She is a text message away, as she always says. And we both loved to drive when we were in high school. She had a car but I always had my Jeep - sweet high school memories. ...I love thinking about these warm thoughts on a Thursday when it is so blistering cold outside, keeps me all warm and fuzzy - deep, deep inside. Oh yeah, and Arlene was also a great basketball player - she knows a cousin of mine who is also a basketball player - awww...the stories I could tell about those championship matches ...will save some for another cold evening.

Thanks for keeping me company you all! Take care and see ya tomorrow.

The final countdown...

The packing has taken a backseat in the last 5 days or so because the heaters, at the place where my stuff are, are off. Not that I did not want to turn them ON but I do not know how. It is too complicated for me, I guess. I leave it at that.

So for the next few days I will be rabidly packing to make up for the 5 or so days lost in packing. I will put on my blinders and dedicate my time and thinking process in making sure the boxes will be ready in time before I actually have to leave. I cannot leave anything by chance.

I hope I will have the same fervor I have in me, when I lost my momentum due to the heater not working. It was irritating and got on my nerves but what can I do? Really?!

So I have all the boxes - check. I have the 2 suitcases to start packing what I have in my "other' residence - check. (Mental note: I will need to pack MY stuff to take them to where the boxes are!) I will have to decide what I WILL NOT TAKE - check. Magazines I need - check.

Well, the final countdown in ticking. There is no looking back past yesterday's point. I am looking forward to being able to DO THIS packing and finish it!! I will not be distracted. I am hoping to have some time for myself to look for items on my father's wishlist. Some of the stores that I am hoping to buy these items from are either low stocking them (aka "we do not know when we will get more or if ever") or the store has closed. I was surprised about the leather store I like that closed; but the economy and retail sales in Buenos Aires is catching up with what the rest of the world is going through, painfully I might add.

So the final countdown goes something like...tic, toc, tic, toc.....

"Hiking the Appalachian Trail..." , yeah right!

Well, I finally am going to write my one and only blog about the sad excuse for a Governor Sanford, I will write this just to get it off my system.

I am still being fed some very funny lines (and not so funny ones) about this, so I will share.

• "Hiking the Appalachian Trail" will now be a phrase that will be used by philanderers whenever applicable.
• I never knew that the Appalachians will take you all the way down to Argentina. I need to update my Atlas.
• He went to Argentina for the good wine. C'mon it could be true.
• Jenny is prettier, a whole lot prettier when his political war chest became increasingly clear that it was in jeopardy.
• Jenny is the one that is trying to save his political career. What irony. She is the one making the pleas to give Mark a second chance, like she is doing for him.
• He is whiner, I can give you that. What a wuzz and a complainer! He sinned and then was sorry only because he got caught. Looser!!!
• For someone who had Presidential aspirations he was thinking with the wrong head (I was hoping for the one with the brain in it!) now he can kiss that dream buh-bye.
• He should apologize to Mr. Bill Clinton. During the impeachment trial of the latter, the Gov here is what we can now call a hypocrite!
• But isn't being a hypocrite a requirement to be in the GOP? That explains alot.
• I thought the song is "Don't cry for ME, Argentina"? So was was HE crying? Oy vey!
• First he should have told us WHY he was apologizing or maybe he thought we wouldn't notice. Oh, puh-leez...
• Wonder no more why The Gov just did not send Maria a ticket to just come and visit him in SC, here it is - for the law in SC states that he can be charged with adultery if they commited the habitual adulterous carnal acts IN South Carolina. You gotta give the Gov some credit for that.
• Think of various definitions for.... "He pulled a Sanford".....
• You lay with the dogs, get ready to get up with fleas.
• I have no sympathy for a loosers like him. They always know what it is they are doing. Father's Day and he was with his mistress, that says alot. If parenting is of no importance to him (obviously) he will remember this moment again the day his kids throw this back at this face. And they will, they always do.
• Men like The Gov Sanford are so typical of those who want to have their cake and eat it too.
• Why would you want to be with a man who has to tell lies to be with you? Why would you be with a man who has already committed to another woman, his wife? Do you know that homewreckers are never looked kindly to? Some women are never ladies to begin with.
• Love Story - this affair was called by The Gov. Doesn't he remember the McGraw movie? She died in that.
• Or maybe The Gov came to Buenos Aires to audition for Evita. He has the hand movements and tears down on cue.

OK, so those asking that I at least do ONE blog on this topic ( and not pretend it never happened), here it is.

I just think that this Gov is so lucky that MJ died a day after his revelation. The lucky snake! Do we even remember the Gov's first name?

The Basics - STOP, DROP and ROLL

Disclaimer: The cluster map (see right column) where it shows where visitors to my blog are from have been archived. So what you see is basically just where I am. Thank you for visiting. I still know where most of my guests are coming from.

Today is Sunday,12th of July 2009. It is the end of the weekend but the sun never peeked out today in Buenos Aires, it is very cold here today. I woke up later than usual, or should I say I forgot to set the alarm, this girl was sleepy and it was just cozy to lie in bed under a thick blanket. Nice!

So I was here most of the time and I went to the store to grab some groceries (wanted to cook for dinner) and had sandwiches (miga) for lunch with a large mug of tea. It was a perfect day to listen to some good notes and I got to thinking that what I needed to get through this rough patch I am in - is a good rattling and shaking! So I go back to the basics - STOP, DROP and ROLL (remember the fire drills we used to do in school as children!) the most 3 important words for fire survival.

Here goes:

STOP - the denial for it has to cease NOW . I should say it out loud - there is no future in hoping to change where I am now. THIS IS IT, get it!!

DROP - the rose-colored glasses for the reality (my reality = what I believe in ) is that BIG changes are on their way. Drop any hope that absence and distance will bring anything positive. We all know absence makes the heart grow colder - fact!

ROLL - on with life. There is no turning back from this moment on. I just have to roll on forward and keep on going. No hurt feelings.

I have always hoped during the darkest moments of being away from Argentina (3 or so months ago) that one day, there is someone out there that is the other half of me who will love me unconditionally meaning no qualms, no ifs, ands or buts about it. That would be great.

But for my part, I am working on the basics - STOP, DROP and ROLL. I've got it..I've got it...just have to keep practicin' at it.

I am good. Thank you.

It is OK to....

• have several brands of hand lotions and still stick to your ONE favorite one
• have one favorite cosmetic brand and still be open to trying other ones
• sleep in bed and get up later once in awhile
• not get too attached to material things
• choose to forget bad memories
• be cheerful for the benefit of others
• get startled by fireworks
• not believe in the tooth fairy, anymore
• wash your face with just soap and water
• floss your teeth twice a day
• accept complements just do not forget to say "thank you"
• not get too excited about things - sometimes you are just not in the mood
• just let things happen but never blame anyone if things do not work out for you
• dream just work as hard as you can to get that dream into reality started
• not know what to say when things seem weird to you
• not say anything when you do not have anything to say
• wish an enemy the best for the thought of doing so will irritate the heck out of him!
• paint your nails red if that is what you want
• speak your mind, just speak gently and kindly for one day you might end up eating those words
• think you are in love with Keanu Reeves - I am! I just do not stalk the poor guy.
• think that eye candy is something to suck on. Just do not do it!!
• not do something when you are in doubt about it. Gut instinct, you know

Have a nice weekend everyone!

Possible reasons why as a woman I can never make it in Argentina

I have this plausible theories of why I am wrong for this place (Argentina). I have observed and noted that there are common behaviors amongst women here that I see and speak with on a regular basis and I think there is some credibility to some (if not all) of my theories. Here it goes (remember this is just tongue in cheek!)....

• I am not hysterical enough
• I do not text my boyfriend several times each hour "Donde esta?" (where are you?)
• I am not angry enough
• I do not get angrier as the hours of the day pass
• I am not thin enough - or at least not starving myself to be thin enough
• I do not smoke to curb my appetite (to be in the I-want-to-be-thin diet program)
• I do not know all the cosmetic surgery terms
• I have never had Botox done (at my age? the horror!!)
• I do not have a therapist/psychologist that I visit every week or whose number is in my speed dial
• I am not insecure enough
• I am not afraid to be past my 30s
• I actually know who I am or has the sense of self
• I smile to everyone
• I wave back when someone waves at me - even if I do not know them
• I say "Hola/Hello" to everyone that is anyone
• I say Good morning/good afternoon or hola to my peaje person
• I look at guys straight in the eyes!
• I actually have a say in what I like and do not like
• I am too much of a free spirit to be told to do anything
• I do not think every guy is nice to me just to get me to go to bed with them (isn't that like being conceited or full of yourself - I am not that!)
• I have my own set of jewelries that I love and treasure
• I talk to everyone that will talk with me - in my broken and uniquely accented spanish
• I pay attention when I am driving
• I make a point to sing (CDs) to cut the stress factor when driving the autopistas
• I thank everybody even if they are rude to me - I always say "it's their problem".

I can think of others but for tonight you get the idea. I like the fact that I am not from here. I can see how different I am and I love being different. I would not want to be just like the next person here, I stand out and in my book - it is a very good thing. People tend to remember me - and isn't that what a woman is all about? Being remembered long after you have left the room. Now that is me. Cheers!

July 9th 2009

It was a blistering cold day in Buenos Aires, it got as cold as 2 degrees below zero very early in the morning. Brrr...is right!

July 9th is a holiday here and so the streets were calmer than usual and everything were closed - well almost. I went to the place where I was packing but after a bite to eat, it got too cold (no functioning heater) and so I bundled up and left.

And for a short moment after I got back into the city I ran to the store to get something to bite for dinner. Not too hungry anyway - but had to stock up just in case I get hungry in the middle of the night - you never know!

I was thinking about many things lately and so far, I have been good - after yesterday. I thought I need to pull myself together and get a clear picture of what I want to do after the end of this month, immediately after I leave here that is. I can confidently say I have been feeling numb lately. I have no pressure to make this decisions ASAP. For the first time in months I feel - nothing. I am without burden. I have relaxed some (oh well, with the neighbor upstairs I try to do my best!) and thinking comes easily, but at times, I cry because I feel such a defeat. But I now know I have to wave that proverbial white towel. I have surrendered. This is it!

There is a good amount of sadness that overcome me at times but I know it is because I can not only feel the end of something that was very good but I can clearly see it from where I am, and anything that was good that has to come to an end always bring a level of sadness.

I do not know really if I should apologize for my shortcomings, for they make me - the ME, that I am. I have my needs and they will not change anytime soon, I don't think. Those needs will be major crossroads for me. Major decisions will be made when I cross and choose the path to take at that junction.

It is not likely that my heart will get fonder in absence, with my track record, it will only get colder. And I am not sure if I should apologize for that at this time, as well.

If this is the end of IT, then I am so disappointed. I had hoped for a much better ending. I know this is not THE very end yet. I can still write a new ending at least where it concerns me. I just have to make this major adjustment of making life decisions on my own. I am practicing and so far I can humbly say that it has been good. I do not know if I should apologize for how easy it has been for me in doing this, maybe I should be having much more difficulty with it.

After I leave Argentina this time, I will not be leaving like I did any time in the past. Nor will I be coming back like I had in the past. Everything has changed. These last 2 weeks I have changed, and I have changed plenty. I do not know if I should apologize for that.

The reality is, I will leave people that I have learned to like and have become familiar with and they will never know any of these. It is better that way I guess, people have a way of complicating simple life and love things.

I will be gone and I do not know if I will ever be back. I would like to think that one day, I would be but it would take some time and some more growing up on my part. And most importantly, I have to accept that I have grown apart from who I was 10 years ago. What is in my heart will remain in my heart, I cannot change that. But my heart may beat for someone else one day, and I do not know if I should apologize for that in advance as well.

Coincidentally, July 9th is Argentina's Independence Day, and it is poignant that I see my own sense of Independence. Being free woman is a big responsibility that I chose to relish and will understand some more in the months to come. I am not sure where this will take me but as a wild spirit that I am would like to ,before anything else, apologize for eventually I will in the end find time the to enjoy the best gift ever given back to me - my independence, also known as freedom.

I have earned it I guess, in a manner of speaking. But the part that suck is where I have to say goodbye to people that I will never look at the same way again nor they me. For after this week, things will never ever be the same again. And I apologize to them for that in advance.

I was hoping that I am wrong...

I have a confession to make. Something that I have been carrying for awhile now, a few years in fact.

The story is about how I think I got to this very spot I am standing in now, with the broken pieces of my heart which are very difficult to put together. I stare at the pieces every now and again and no matter how I try to put it back together, it doesn't want to seem to hold and there are some missing pieces. I do not see what might resemble a heart but all I see are the cracks where there used to be none.

It is taking me longer and it seems to be more of an arduous task to get my spirits back as close to what it used to be. Oh please do not get me wrong, I am not in the hunt for anyone at this time.

I would like to find a man (not necessarily to marry) though who will put me first in his list. I am sure it is a high order of the day but just once I would like to feel that elation and euphoria of being the sun in a man's life. I would like to see the love in his eyes and his smile will reflect the shine from his heart. It has been a long while since I have seen one of those. And for every woman who has experienced it the longing for another is like a search for that first high - it happened once and will never happen again - or will it? My quest continues.

So, here I stand in a country not my own where I was willing to move and try to make this work. It was just an uphill climb from the very beginning, to be honest. I am in a place that is nothing like where I came from. Friends from the USA told me it would not last, and that I needed a circle of my own girlfriends to keep me happy. It was just not meant to be, I suppose. I was determined to give it my best though but I came up short of that.

I never had a close friend here and I felt isolated. Joy was starting to fade away from me and I acted out on it. I was not happy and it was impossible to give something to someone which you do not have. The changes were happening little bit at a time and before we knew it, we were getting on each other's nerves. And somehow, that was just a symptom of something else deeper.

What was a great formula in San Diego did not work here obviously. It was very clear. And even if I saw the end coming then I was fighting it all the way. And somehow, I lost that battle.

Here I stand having failed what I thought was the love of my life. I was not going to give up on it until I really had to. And, I had to. The love story that once was so full of promise, so full of love and never ending source of joy has come to a full stop. It ends here and we all get off the love bus. But life must go on...nothing stops because I am in pain, I have learned that bitter lesson of truth. So..here I stand still holding those pieces and trying with all my might and determination to get through this even when I am alone.

I cry when I could not stop the tears. I laugh when a very good memory comes to me. I try to not think too much about all this because in a few weeks I will no longer be standing in this very spot. And there is comfort in that for the pain will get better when I am not surrounded with all the memories of where I once thought that I have found the man that I would grow old with, the man that will hold my hand as an old lady crossing the street, the one whom I will take care of when he grows older - but truth be told, I was wrong. And the sooner we can all turn the page - I think we are all ready to turn to the next page - the sooner we try to live our own lives separately.

I was mistaken and I have to learn from that. The worst part about falling in love is that there is always that possibility that you could lose it, and I did. I dust myself off I guess, take a deep breath, sigh and then put on the best smile - for life goes on...just give me a little more time, I will get better at this.

It will sink in and this too shall pass.

Update..

Packing update:

Today I added some more of my stuff into the 6th box. I have almost nothing left to pack, just the ones that I will be wearing and using for the next immediate weeks, but that is about it. This packing went so fast and so well that I think I will have to find something else to do to fill the time that I have left before I actually leave Buenos Aires.

All the clothes, shoes, books, make-up and others are 85% packed. It took just a few dedicated days to get me almost done.

• I am still looking for leather products (belt, boots, wallet..)
• I am still enjoying my very nice and comfortable bed (in Buenos Aires but this was MADE in the USA).
• Sound Sleep is sort of hard to achieve here in the city with a very noisy upstairs neighbor.

It was a nice day today. Warm and sunny, after a day and half of rain. It was great. I went for a drive and had a lovely time. I am looking forward to going to bed early tonight. Tomorrow will be another day....

It is okay....

• to not over plan for tomorrow
• to smile at someone you do not know
• if you say "No" once in awhile.
• when things do not always turn out the way we want them to.
• to love and lose - but I do not have to like it.
• to always want the gas tank in FULL
• to want to be different, that's just being ME.
• to be happy even if you are alone
• to keep your mouth shut especially when tempted to say something that can potentially hurt someone
• to learn slowly rather than hurried and forget what you have learned in the long run.

A very quiet Fourth of July 2009

Aside from a very tasty lunch that I had there was not much happening today.

I am in Argentina and with the Swine Flu going around I have been avoiding public places with loads of people. Safety first, ya know!

So no barbeque or visit to the embassy or anything. I am at home, nice and warm after a good shower with a good cup of tea next to me.

I was packing today but realized almost all of the things I need to box- are boxed! I would need to take somethings to where my boxes are to pack MORE stuff.

Today being slow does not mean it was without excitement - I did but would rather not talk about it since all is well in the end. I am a worry person and am still shaking that part of me. Sometimes I just have to let things slide off my back and not get so worked up over nothing I have no control over. Really.

I was planning on a quick trip for a weekend to Rosario. That trip would have been a 4 hour drive from BsAs or so, but because of all the Swine Flu going-ons, I am re-thinking this trip. But maybe I would go and see what the big hoola-baloo is all about. We'll see.

So the 4th of July 2009 though without fireworks and no barbeque and coleslaw salad, I had my own piece of excitement, glad this day is almost over.

I am liking my daily drive to where I am packing. And to think that tomorrow I will be there again with another nice lunch waiting for me. Gotta love the positive side of life. Coz if I just think about the crazy things that are happening to me - the Panamerica sounds about a nice place to go for a walk.

I will be here tomorrow. You betcha!

Friday Blues

Have I mentioned in the past how I dread Fridays? Well, today is one of those dreadful Fridays.

As I was packing my 4th and 5th boxes today, I pondered the reality that sometimes departures and goodbyes have to be done and said even if there is really no place to go. I know I am going somewhere hence the packing but it is a trip that is so heavy on the heart, as the boxes are mounting.

Today is dawned on me that the saddest day of the week is Friday. And for awhile it will remain like that. I am loosing time and memories as every Friday comes and goes. With love and time, I will feel better, I know. I have to believe that it will get better, for the alternative is too hard to take.

I do not allow myself to think about past Fridays, I just concentrate on the present ones. It is too painful to even think about them, let alone miss them. Too much I tell you.

For awhile I have not cried on a Friday, today I did. Sorry.

I was weak today and it was okay to be weak for a moment. I hated the tears. I now know that I was not afraid to fall in love it was the idea that I might lose is what terrifies me. I am not scared of being alone, it is the getting there alone that makes me bite my lower lip as tears roll down my cheeks. It might just happen and I am dealing with that possible reality in my own time, alone. I am having a very practice with this single-dom idea.

I was all alone lately, packing. Moments would pass by and it already have been hours. Times goes by so fast when one is so wrapped up in doing something.

Fridays -wow! What I would give to have some great Fridays and Friday nights again, but going out now will be too soon. I know that breaking up is almost like a death. One gets to experience the loss and then the bouts of sadness and then deep sorrow. But like any death, after the dark episodes of melancholy, life will go on.
This too shall pass, I know that. But as of today, this Friday has been tough. I am glad it is late in the evening now and in a few hours as every second ticks, Saturday cannot come soon enough for me.

Have I told you how I dread Fridays? I do.

Just get over it, already!

I will choose light before I succumb to darkness. I seek betterment rather than destruction (sometimes you have to take things apart to put them together again).

Everyone had a rough childhood. No one has a "dream" upbringing. There are those that had more happy times than others and it is because they choose to remember the best parts of growing up and not dwell on what they were missing on.

I say - Just get over it, already!

We, each and every one of us, at one point in our cognitive moment have realized that the life we want and try to achieve is an uphill battle. Even those that we think live a dreamy life also have their bad moments and days. No amount of money will guarantee the you the best things in life. No amount of fame can give you the best friends you think you deserve. There is just always a something we all have to crab about. It is human nature, to complain. We just have to do it nicely and with in the bounds of decency.

I see those that have almost next to nothing and yet they make do with what they have - I believe my grandmother introduced me to this word - survival.

When life deals you lemons, either you stand there with a sour face or make lemon meringue pie (I was never really fond of lemonade!).

Everyone's childhood has some sad story of never having enough time spent with grandparents. They died too soon in my case. Or there is the part where I never had a sister, but I loved just being what I am in my family. I made a point to enjoy my place in the family to the chagrin and dismay of others.

Today as I was going over the final items I was putting in the 3rd box, I thought, I am so over it. I finally have released myself from what was bogging me down, no necessarily those from my childhood.

I wish everyone would take the moment to unload whatever it is that seems to hold you back, be it from fulfilling your dream, taking that trip you always wanted even if it means going alone, or accepting the loss of the ones that you love.

Sometimes people say, these types of things are easier said than done. But let me tell you when the right time comes (you make the time) it is easiest to just get over it already. I am referring to things that have happened in the past that you cannot change, so we tread on and move on forward.

Damn the past for I will just get over it already!

Have you seen my heart?

I just spent another day packing. I am getting very good at this, but I am thinking I do not want to get used to packing all the time. Not in the same context that I am doing it this time. Oh well...

So there I was in another location packing my stuff away. I am on the second box and counting. First box, old clothes, my good ol' fluffy blue bathrobe (soft and thick!), some fave shirts and blouses, pants, clothes that are not to be used in the next few months (during transit). Then today, the second box containing old cookbooks, baking pans and sheetpans, some gift wrapping ribbons, bows, tissues, bags, boxes (collapsed), bars of milled soaps, lanolin soaps and the like. I was one busy bee today.

So much so that I almost missed lunch - but didn't!

As I emptied drawers and shelves with my makeup refills and perfumes, lotions, body washes and the likes - I was in auto mode. Did not allow myself to give what I am doing another thought. I had to do this and I am doing what I had to do, pack. I figure, it is better that I do not include my heart in this process. I can deal with it much better. And so far, I have been doing very well, honestly speaking. My mind is what is taking over me when I am packing. I would not allow my heart to participate. The day I taped the first box to start my packing - I decided to not get my heart in the way.

So I have a few more boxes to go. I will try to keep it to the most minimum. Freight cost can be astronomical from Argentina to my end of the world. But anyhoo....

Tomorrow, I will do this some more of the same and I am getting to be very efficient at it. Now, I hope that by the end of the packed and sealed 8th box, I would remember where I placed my heart after all this.

Or I can post in here again in a few days and ask if - Have you seen my heart?

I would like to have it back before I leave.

Tidbits about me...

• my favorite blush is by Rimmel "Pink Rose"
• The best Led Zeppelin song (and I know the lyrics to) is Black Dog
• I love Robert Downey Jr. because he is not only an accomplished and versatile actor but the guy can belt out a tune or two.
• If Bonnie Raitt is country, then I love country music.
• Vodka, tequila and scotch in that order (vodka comes first because I love my mar and apple -tinis)
• very red nail polish, everytime
• hand lotion fanatic
• I wear reading glasses
• I am facinated with hair appliances
• I love to shop, to buy and wear high-heeled shoes
• I love that smell little babies have - fresh and clean.
• I prefer Lorelie to be with Luke than Christopher!
• I used to like CSI when Grissam was still there.
• Bring Eli back!!
• I feel the sexiest when I am wearing black undergarments.
• I love to have a nice glass of fresh cold milk in the morning.

Thanks!

I have learned...

• Money does not buy class
• Lust should never be mistaken for love.
• Once a cheater always a cheater.
• I have never met anyone who can define "good taste" to my satisfaction.
• Respect and trust, are two other words that are now subjectively defined by people I know and they are not subjective qualities at all.
• That it is okay to have a change of heart and not tell anyone about it.
• That I have to not judge myself so harshly.
• That I am a wild spirit.
• That I will live my life being happy and not worry about wanting to be happy.
• I am the change that can make ME, myself.
• That even good things really do come to an end.
• That I can like something or someone and accept that they do not have to like me back. It is okay, I won't worry about it.
• That there is nothing purer and more sincere than a small child's big smile and big laugh.

When old is new again

The best thing about packing is that you have to dig and dig for things that might be buried and hidden behind closets, suitcases, boxes, bags and all other crevices in one's place of residence. And the treasure's we find and stories we try to remember when we find things are so exciting. I hate packing for a move but I love this part of it all.

I am still in the hunt and find mode for things that I would need to take with me on this move of mine. I found some precious gifts that were given to me - by R. I love the turquoise bags and felt envelopes that they come in. I can remember (still) the time/at least the year and the occassion that I received these precious and dear presents. I smile when I look at them for... what is old is new again.

I love each and every single one of these. I am wearing one today and it looks a good as when we got it seven years ago. I enjoy wearing them, they give me some connection to better and sweeter times. Memories can only be as good as you want them to be. ..old memories are new again.

I found this very delicate necklace and as much as I would like wearing them I do not think I am ready yet to go there. One day soon I hope I could put that around my neck and think of the profound love I once felt when I received it. I can hold it but so far do not have the courage to wear it just yet, too soon I guess.

But when old is new again...times are changing.

You just gotta love the bad with the good and the old with the new. Life is too short to get stuck with the old as old or always wanting new. I like where I am in my life right now.

Thank you R for being a very, very good friend. I will always hold these presents dear.

"At the end of the day....."

Wow, I blinked for one itsy-bitsy second and before I know it the weekend is here. Phew, time really flies fast.

I am starting a new series (besides from "I have learned...") that I am going to call "At the end of the day..." to go over things that are important and those that are not. I hope you will enjoy reading them and taking a "Hmm..that makes sense" moment - and I have fun creating this .

At the end of the day...

• it is what you did not get to do that you end up regretting, never giving your day's accomplishments the due it deserves.
• we cannot control how we feel at times, but we have 100% control about what we do and say about it.
• there is no getting up on the wrong side of the bed. We make our day even before we get out of bed and out the sheets.
• it is love and not time that will heal all wounds.
• sometimes walking away is the best thing you can do.
• I like counting the number of people I made to smile that day.
• complimenting someone is the best thing you can give anyone for free.
• I like remembering the lyrics to an old song.
• there is always a lesson to be learned.

I like the fact that lately I have been forgeting about Fridays. They just pass me by without me being melancholy about it. Change is known to happen mostly when no one is watching. I like that. I can live with it. I think I am ready to turn a new page.

After all isn't that what the end of the day means - being ready for tomorrow?

"All my life...."

I credit writer Jane Wagner (I love her for her work with Lily Tomlin) for this piece of truth..."All my life I've wanted to be somebody, but I guess I see now I should've been more specific".

There is nothing like a quick dose of cold water splashed on you when the thought occurs to oneself that ..what if, what I am now is all that I will ever be. I shudder to think that.

So, I have finally resolved that before the end of 2009, I will live my life creatively.

There are some ideas I am ruminating over and I think it can be feasible. I have not been this excited about a project for a very long time. I believe I am on the right track. I just have to pace myself this time and then see where I can go with it. I can imagine doing this so I am sure I can make it happen and do it very well. The odds are on my side this time.

And as Jane Wagner suggested, I will be more specific about what I want. I will own my dream and will work very hard to make that dream come true. I aim to pump life, vigor and color back to the creative side of me.

In a few months time, most likely before the end of this year, I hope to get back in here and write about what I am doing. I hope not to jinx it by talking about it in detail at this time. But it will be great and I am sure I will love it, no doubt.

And like any opportunity, I will look past the doors that are closing for me and start creating some myself. No number of doors or windows that are presented before me would equal those that I create myself. I love the thought that I will again be re-energized and I will devote most of my time and effort (besides my day job) in making this happen.

I am one who never subscribe to the sentiment as wasteful as regret. I am who I am for what I have been through, good and bad. And that also includes all the chances that I let pass me. We are all about the choices we make (and NOT making a choice IS making a choice!). But I never regret anything. Ever. Nothing.

And this time, no more excuse. The best part is I still have the rest of my life to be good at it. I will grab my dream by the horn and let that take me soaring to the endless blue skies.

Have a specific dream. Wow, what a concept!

Moments of Silence

I can hear it now, you asking me, "What planet do you think you are in?" or "You can think in the middle of the city of Buenos Aires with all the constant noise and all? What are you, nuts?" But bear with me, I am getting somewhere with this...indulge me, please.

Last night, when I had a moment or so of pure silence (it can happen), I decided to try what I have been perfecting the last 3 months - meditation. I sit in a very comfortable position and with no noise around me, I start my breathing and relaxing exercise. I empty my mind of any distracting thoughts. I let my mind flow and picture wonderful, beautiful and relaxing images. This can be intensely relaxing so I do this before I go to sleep.

And last night, I incorporated my nightly prayers with my meditations. I thought, what a great combination!

Last night here are some of the thoughts that came to mind:

• As much as we want some things to be, sometimes it just can not be.


• When you let your heart lead your life, your heart can be broken. Lesson learned.


• It is OK, to say "My heart still hurts".


• I can not change myself in anyway, unless I want THE change, myself.


• Just when you think your have your life under control, you don't!


• I go to church not because I am asking for something but because my life is much better after such a solemn celebration. It is like me exhaling a sigh of relief each time and Someone is there to listen to me.


• I like singing in the shower.


• When I dance, I do it like no one is watching.


• When I asked myself, what is so good about goodbyes? I found the answer to that - goodbye is actually a short cut for, "God be with you/ ye".


• Where I will be in one year?

My moments of silence is a short segment of my day that actually allows me to think and connect what's in my heart with what's on my mind. I believe meditation is a way to have the heart, mind and action (words/speech) be in-synch. It is almost like connecting the dots. And when these are in-synch, I hope to one day have that balance in my life. And when these elements are in harmony, it will be such a wonderful thing to have in life. That's the beauty, reward and art of silence appreciation.

My moments of silence are golden.

I will try it again tonight.

To Do list

Well, I am in the city for a couple of days, and I got to thinking about what I need to gather together and maybe handcarry with me when I go back to where I came from. :-)

For one thing, I forgot to bring one or 2 suitcases, but nevertheless, I can make a mental note (but I will write it down for good measure) of what I want to carry with me. Just if so I failed to mentioned that I will also TRY to ship via carrier the heavier stuff (e.g. clothes).

So, I was thinking I will stick with the lighter items and think how much more I can take with me compared to blouses and pants, let's say. Make-up, I have to wrap so they do not break since most of my cosmetics usually come with some sort of mirror in the compact or something. And then the items themselves are very delicate, they will shatter and pulverize easily.

Second, I will have to sort out what shoes I can live without for a few months (while cargo is in transit) and shoes that I must have because I so lurve (love) them at this very moment. Hmm...

Then there are the blouses that will come in very handy since it is summer where I am headed. I am thinking just a couple or two of the nice tops I have. And yes, I will need to take my white pants with me - it is almost my signature summer look - white outfit with very pop in color heels and a statement jewelry. Loving the thought already. ..

Oh and by the way, sunglasses...hmm..oh and there are a couple of electronics I will need right away...

Oh well, all this thinking is making me dizzy. I will need to make myself a nice strong cup of coffee...oh I will need to bring my coffee maker, my large mugs....oh well...I will think about this again tomorrow....

The best gift I ever gave my Dad..

Tomorrow being Father's Day and all, I thought I would write about my father.

Growing up in a family of mostly boys, I loved the fact that I am the apple of my father's eye. There are some benefits to being the girl in the family. Father's Day was not that popular of all the commercial celebrated days in my neck of the woods. But I have learned about since grammar school days and always made a point of giving my Dad something on that day.

I remember coffee mugs, pens, drawings and other things. And as I got older, I gave him photographs of us together (framed of course!), I remembered digging some very old photos of me less than a year old and I got that framed and gave it to him one Father's Day and he loved things like that - I recall him telling me the story about the photo even. Sweet....

And now, I give my Dad just about anything at anytime of the year. I see something I think he will like I get and give to him. He likes that. I something I know he would want, I get it and give it to him. That elates him. I guess, of all the things I have I given my Dad, it is the most simple of all things - I tell him I love him every chance I get, or sometimes I just call to say HI and remind him that I love him - in case he forgets :-)

My Dad is the loveliest man I ever know. He knows me so well. He understands me like no one ever does. He forgives me before I can ever make the mistake. He lifts me when I am down. He tells me like I am 6 years old to eat better. He makes sure that I am good and that I believe in myself. He tells me that I have to be true to myself. His love is so unconditional that he asks no questions but gives hugs all the time. he has never spanked me or raised his voice to me, but when I was growing up I was scared of incurring his wrath, even if I cannot even begin to imagine him having it in him. His words are wise, and I listen intently everytime he tells me one of lives lesson. He has instilled in the capability to love those that even do not know what the word even means. I can close my eyes at night and even if he is thousands of miles away from me, I know he is close to me more than ever - he is always in my heart. He is the one that keeps me holding on to the very faith that at times have failed me - or so I thought.

My Dad just like all the other little girls in the world who had the best dad on eart would say - I have the greatest Dad in the entire universe. And I love him for that, just being that my Dad.

What was the best gift you ever gave your Dad?

Happy Father's Day!

This is me walking away....

Yesterday was a blur to me. I remember bits and pieces of it to be honest. All I know is today, I am sleepy, very sleepy. I did not get much sleep last night, it was a long night. I woke up with a stiff neck and sort of just dragging myself all day.

It is difficult to be the new me when I seem to be faced with the same all around me. I really need the change and space. But I comfort myself with the fact that soon I will get the space I need to keep the changes that I have worked so hard to achieve these last couple of months. I believe in the new me, it seems tougher to continue the process at this very moment, but I will be strong.

I promised myself I will not say anything negative that can hurt anyone, even if others still are the same way they were to me. I will not take hurtful comments personally. I have stopped giving other people that power over me. If they think light-hearted comments cannot hurt, they do. I am working towards getting past that now. I just need a day or so to process the tinge of pain and no anger overwhelms me.

This is me walking away....

I hope to be better in the long run. Each day is tough as I continue to grow and be myself. I am a woman and I know what I should and could do for love and friendship. There are relationships that are healthy and there are those that are corrosively toxic, I can see that now. And I have to choose. Sometime soon I can step away from all this and be the deserving victor that I am. The scars and hurt encounterd will be my badges of honor and survival.

I take a deep breath and then as I put a period to this statement, I can say that yesterday was just that - the past.

I am human and still gets hurt. I am strong but have my moments of weakness. Sometimes people around me just do not know that they have hurt me and that is sad..so I have learned to just detach myself..distance myself..and this is me walking away....

And with my head between my hands I say...here we go again.Butt for me I am so past the pain - remember no one can break a broken heart. So I just walk away..it is really for the best.

Problems and their solutions..

The best thing about any life problem is that they have solutions.

There are problems because there is a solution to them. The only caveat to it is that is that sometimes we do not like what the answer is, so we still think that is not the solution! We just have to learn to read the writings on the wall, so to speak.

Problems make us who we are now and they really make as stronger.

Take my case for instance, now I am not in a relationship "relationship" (make quotation mark motion in the air here, please) but I am in a very good friendship relationship with R. I think we are even in a much better state than we ever hoped to imagine we can be at this point in time. This is great. I cannot ask for more than what I have right now. I take it each day at a time, and then we wait and see.

I came to see R in BsAs to put a finality to what seems to be an inevitable phase to our strained relationship. The next step was clearly for the both of us to acknowledge and agree, that there was that needed personal and official ending or a new beginning to our relationship. The learning to let go was the hardest part for me and and to take that answer to heart. But like the innovators that we are R and I mutually stuck with what we know was strongest of all the emotions we felt, and that is friendship. That was too precious to brush to one side.

While I am in Buenos Aires until the very last day of putting my affairs and stuff here in order, I have promised myself that I will be the best non-girlfriend R will ever have. This has been working out very well for me and hopefully for him as well. I have taken all the selfish "me" expectations and placed no demands on myself and R. It is liberating.

What I have seen as a huge no-solution-to-this-problem problem had an answer after all. I had to go through the despair and pain to learn that I live the life I choose to have. I have the exact love life that I want. I make no excuses for myself and that what I have now is what I want. I will place no blame on anyone. And I speak the truth about my relationships and it feels very good. If I want to give happiness I have to try to be happy. I am not 100% happy or will I ever be, but happiness is not my goal anymore. To me happiness is seeing and hearing happiness in every day of living. I promised myself months ago that I will not contribute to my emotional reserve of sadness and pain, not anymore!! What I will be making daily deposits on are my accounts of joy, simplicity and love.

I chose to be part of the solution and attempt to provide answers rather than be part of the problem, which can be emotionally draining.

What I need and want are things that I will try to provide to myself. If I cannot give what I ask from others, I will not want it.
And lately, problems are just that - problems. Now if I have a problem, I will say - my problem does not own me! And that they placed there in front of me because I truly believe that I am strong and will surpass it.

For during my deepest hours of sadness, I have learned to tell myself - that this too shall pass.
When I care for someone, I care for them for life. When I am a friend, I am a friend for life. I might be remiss in alot of things for a long period of time, but that does not mean I do not think about that friend.

And most of the time, the solutions to problems if we can just take a moment to think calmly, close our eyes and open our hearts...we already know the answers all along.

In our hearts...we know...

Would you choose what is behind Door #1, Door #2 or Door# 3

In the last 3 days, I have been standing behind 3 doors, figuratively.

I am always not sure which door to choose. It is the unknown behind each door that leaves me wondering "what could be behind Door #1, is it going to be of lesser value than what is behind Door #2 or better yet what about if I choose Door #3 and it is a dud?"

But often times it is our desire to "have it all" that makes making a decision very difficult. The deciding part is not hard, per se. It is the fear that I might make the wrong decision and I would fall flat on my face again, in pain. And for all intents and purposes, who really wants that much drama in one's life, huh? I mean I am declaring myself NOT a glutton for punishment.

So again for the last 3 days, I have held and been steadfast in my decision that what I have and what R and I are right now, is just what we need. We are exactly in the phase of our "unique" relationship that keeps us very close friends. The doors might be closed, metaphorically but our hearts are always open.

I would like to say that love is a really very deep emotion. If you really love someone (and my R knows this) you are willing to make the sacrifice wholeheartedly. It is my wish to see him happy, and I try everyday (while time permits) to show him (rather than just tell him) that his happiness means alot to me, even if he achieves such happiness without me. Of course I am sad, but sometimes, you just have to pick a door. Sooner or later, a choice has to be made. And a choice is only as good as your resolute to stand behind that choice. The door at this point is immaterial and unimportant. I get that now.

It is my wish to attempt to correct all that I had done wrong to R. I will not dwell on what wrong was done to me, that is not important now. What matters is, if each door opens up and shows me what is behind them, it would not make any difference to me now.

I would always make the choice based (I would love to say heart) on love.

I will choose love in its purest, untainted and unjaded form above anything any door can bring me. I sleep better at night and it would be along the lines of the change that I aspire in the new me. Simplicity you know, it opens new door and eyes for you.

I am at peace now. I have found the middle ground that I have been so agonizing about.

The future is not in what doors I choose but what I make of what I get from the door I choose. I get it now...and I mean..I understand all that now.